I was pleased to see a new enforcement campaign to protect and support victims of domestic violence over the Christmas period being launched recently by the home secretary Jacqui Smith. A new advertising campaign to highlight the hidden issue of domestic abuse was also revealed. The advert shows a woman celebrating with people around her singing “when we get behind closed doors” with the strap line ‘Don’t suffer in silence’.
As figures show an increase in domestic violence over the festive season this enforcement campaign encourages increased police-led activity in higher risk areas during seasonal peaks. This will include: innovative tactics such as the use of body-worn video cameras by police; dedicated Domestic Abuse response vehicles; increased frontline policing and more specialist advice for those officers at scenes of domestic abuse; identification and targeting of the ten highest risk perpetrators in each area– to include proactive bail checks based on intelligence and data; and Identification through Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conferences of the ten highest risk victims in each area. This is all excellent news and I applaud the work being carried out to highlight this issue.
Christmas is a time for families to come together and celebrate. But for victims of domestic abuse it can be a time of fear and trauma. For anyone who is suffering over the Christmas period I want to highlight the fact that support is available for victims during the next few weeks. I would urge anyone who is suffering in this way to contact the 24 hour, free and confidential Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.
Tuesday 23 December 2008
This story was passed on to me from a lady in rural Wales....
" I was being abused for years, but I didn't recognise it as such. I was not allowed to wear what I wanted when I went out. For example, in the summer I couldn't wear a T-shirt or thin cotton top unless I also put on a baggy cardigan several sizes too large which obscured my shape. In time, I accepted that my figure must be repulsive and automatically bought and wore shapeless, unattractive clothes in dull colours that would not draw attention to myself.
At one time, when cash was short, I went out to work. He was unemployed at that time and so, of course, able to drop in on my place of work to see me. I realize now that he was checking up on me, to see that I was behaving correctly. On one occasion I was helping a deaf boy half my age. That night he subjected me to such a tirade of anger that I was shaking and had to promise that I wouldn't show such attention to anyone again.
Mostly, I was not allowed to go out on my own, but had to be accompanied by him or one of his awful relatives, usually his mother. When I did go out on my own I had to account to him for every moment: where I went, who I saw, who spoke to me, etc.
He never laid a finger upon me for many years. He didn't have to. Domestic abuse is all about power and control, and he could control me completely without the use of violence. But then I inherited a sum of money, which he began spending on alcohol, and would get drunk most nights. It was then that he began hitting me. I put up with this for several years, and never told anyone anything about it, as I was ashamed. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to, and I didn't have the mental strength to do anything about it: it was as though I was numb and unable to function properly.
Then one night he beat me up so badly that something inside me snapped. I knew that if I continued to stay with him he would end up killing me. So while he went to the bathroom to relieve himself I struggled to the phone, dialled 999, and begged the police to come and rescue me. They came and took me away to a Women's Aid refuge in town, as my husband had disappeared out of the back door when they arrived.
Later, I learnt that he had finally been found and arrested. Much to my disgust, he was given a suspended sentence by the court, so that I was unable to return to my home. But after some time at the refuge while I got my finances sorted, I eventually found a little place of my own. I now live alone, many miles from my old home, under a new name; but I still live in fear that one day he will find me and finish what he started.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what has happened to me. After years of emotional and physical abuse I was a non-person: a zombie just going through the motions of living. But I attended the Freedom Programme, run by Women's Aid, and there learnt all about domestic abuse, which helped me tremendously. I was also able to take advantage of the counselling service available through Women's Aid. Now, I have my personality again, and self-confidence, and have recovered from the depression which I suffered from for a long time. I look forward to the future. "
At one time, when cash was short, I went out to work. He was unemployed at that time and so, of course, able to drop in on my place of work to see me. I realize now that he was checking up on me, to see that I was behaving correctly. On one occasion I was helping a deaf boy half my age. That night he subjected me to such a tirade of anger that I was shaking and had to promise that I wouldn't show such attention to anyone again.
Mostly, I was not allowed to go out on my own, but had to be accompanied by him or one of his awful relatives, usually his mother. When I did go out on my own I had to account to him for every moment: where I went, who I saw, who spoke to me, etc.
He never laid a finger upon me for many years. He didn't have to. Domestic abuse is all about power and control, and he could control me completely without the use of violence. But then I inherited a sum of money, which he began spending on alcohol, and would get drunk most nights. It was then that he began hitting me. I put up with this for several years, and never told anyone anything about it, as I was ashamed. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to, and I didn't have the mental strength to do anything about it: it was as though I was numb and unable to function properly.
Then one night he beat me up so badly that something inside me snapped. I knew that if I continued to stay with him he would end up killing me. So while he went to the bathroom to relieve himself I struggled to the phone, dialled 999, and begged the police to come and rescue me. They came and took me away to a Women's Aid refuge in town, as my husband had disappeared out of the back door when they arrived.
Later, I learnt that he had finally been found and arrested. Much to my disgust, he was given a suspended sentence by the court, so that I was unable to return to my home. But after some time at the refuge while I got my finances sorted, I eventually found a little place of my own. I now live alone, many miles from my old home, under a new name; but I still live in fear that one day he will find me and finish what he started.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what has happened to me. After years of emotional and physical abuse I was a non-person: a zombie just going through the motions of living. But I attended the Freedom Programme, run by Women's Aid, and there learnt all about domestic abuse, which helped me tremendously. I was also able to take advantage of the counselling service available through Women's Aid. Now, I have my personality again, and self-confidence, and have recovered from the depression which I suffered from for a long time. I look forward to the future. "
Monday 15 December 2008
'This is my story' - this was given to me through Welsh Women's Aid
Hi This is my story. I would prefer to be anonymous. I haven't really been helped by your organisation as when I was being abused, I didnt really realise what was happening. I was diagnosed with Colitis when I was in my first year at Swansea Uni. I had been really sick and was rushed into hospital. I had been losing weight for weeks, but just put it down to my busy scgedule at uni but then i collapsed and my flatmates foned an ambulance. Anyway, I had to have pretty mjor surgery and doctors even thought they may have to take my bowel away. Luckily they didnt but I had some pretty nasty scars where I had abscesses and had to go to the doctors regularly to get them dressed. I felt ugly, and I was always conscious about meeting guys on nights out. My friends were really supportive and one of friends from my course invited me to a house party the were having. Thats where I met this man. He was my friend's housemate and, by all accounts, a pretty nice guy. He made an effort to talk to me and he made me laugh - which I hadnt done in a while. Anyway, we began seeeing mire and more of each other and eventually we strated dating. I realise now, That's when everyhting started to change. He didnt like me going out all night with my girlfriends and he used to make sure I was back by a certan time so he could come round and spend the night. It is only now that I realise that he was trying toc ontrol me. Then he started making snidey comments like he wished je was dating a chav "cos they put out" (I had made a point of not sleeping with him as I had been used by guys in the past). When we did eventually sleep toegther he belittled me and made me feel like I was disgusting. He said he didn't enjoy our sex and he tried to make me do things I didnt want to do. I got so upset one night that his housemate knocjed on the door cos he could hear me crying. The worst thing was when I had to go to the doctor for regualr blood tests and checkups - he used to refuse to come with me, even tho he knew i was petrified of the doctor - and he used to say that my illness wasn't a real illness and i was just making things up to get sypathy. I used to think he was joking but i realise niw he was wittling away at my self esteem. Anyway, the relationship ended pretty badly, 5 months later. And, although it wasnt me who ended it (I was pretty upset when he did cos it just made me feel even uglier than he had already made me!) I realise now what could have happened it i had stayed with him. I wanted to tell you my story so that you can use it to show other young girls in the same situation as me that, even they're not hitting you - it can still be domestic abuse and the best thing that anyone in that situation can do, is to leave! The syaing goes "sticks and stones ma break my bones but names will never hurt me". I disagree with this, the name calling can be just as bad as the hitting and the kicking - it eats you away from the inside and thats when things can sometimes feel as if its not worth it! Thank you for listening :)
Friday 5 December 2008
A Mid Wales woman tells her story….
Ten years ago I was married a man who did everything in his power to hurt me mentally, financially, physically, and sexually. I was with him for over 5 years and everything was fine for the first two years but things started to gradually change.
Before I met him I had started a business, and he tried everything to stop me making a success of that business. It seemed the better I did with my business, the more controlling he became.He then started to ignore any bills that came in which meant that I had to pay everything. He then started to ignore me and when he did speak to me he’d just call me names. One night I woke up with him shouting at me for no reason. He couldn’t explain why he was shouting at me and this scared me so I’d just accept that it was my fault and at times I actually believed that I must have done something to annoy him.
I then started to sleep in a separate room to him because I would always be so tired. This of course made him even more angry which resulted in him hitting me on several occasions. I tried to ignore it and poured all my energy into my business. The more I did the more ugly it got. It ended after I finally called the police after he smashed my office equipment, and hurt me.
I got a restraining order and had the police remove him. My divorce was just signed this month. It has been difficult to get my life back to normal but I am trying. I’m just glad that I got out of there when I did.
Before I met him I had started a business, and he tried everything to stop me making a success of that business. It seemed the better I did with my business, the more controlling he became.He then started to ignore any bills that came in which meant that I had to pay everything. He then started to ignore me and when he did speak to me he’d just call me names. One night I woke up with him shouting at me for no reason. He couldn’t explain why he was shouting at me and this scared me so I’d just accept that it was my fault and at times I actually believed that I must have done something to annoy him.
I then started to sleep in a separate room to him because I would always be so tired. This of course made him even more angry which resulted in him hitting me on several occasions. I tried to ignore it and poured all my energy into my business. The more I did the more ugly it got. It ended after I finally called the police after he smashed my office equipment, and hurt me.
I got a restraining order and had the police remove him. My divorce was just signed this month. It has been difficult to get my life back to normal but I am trying. I’m just glad that I got out of there when I did.
Thursday 27 November 2008
A Cardiff woman tells her story
I’m 24 years of age and I’m starting to get my life back on track. It all started a few years ago when I started dating this guy. You'd never think that he would be capable of abuse. Everybody who met him thought he was a nice guy and he was also very short. We soon moved in together and slowly things started to change. At first it was small things like pushing me and getting annoyed about the smallest thing. When I got my first job at the local shop he suddenly became very violent: he started pulling my hair and punching me. The violence came out of nowhere sometines and I was instantly shattered by the horrific abuse.
After a few months I was a wreck and drinking heavily which meant I soon lost my job. It seemed that the beatings would go on for hours but this was my life. I’d accept everything he’d say. If something went wrong it was my fault. One day he was late for work and was given a row by his boss. When he came home he beat me up saying that I was to blame for him being late that morning. I soon made friends with a woman who moved in to the house next door and who could hear everything that was going on in our house. She soon made me realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse which was something that hadn’t entered my head before that. I suppose I thought that this was normal.
If it wasn’t for her I’d probably still be living with him. Although I’ve now left him and the support I’ve received has been fantastic I still have permanent problems with nightmares, intimacy and of course the physical scars. It’s not easy getting away but there is help out there.
After a few months I was a wreck and drinking heavily which meant I soon lost my job. It seemed that the beatings would go on for hours but this was my life. I’d accept everything he’d say. If something went wrong it was my fault. One day he was late for work and was given a row by his boss. When he came home he beat me up saying that I was to blame for him being late that morning. I soon made friends with a woman who moved in to the house next door and who could hear everything that was going on in our house. She soon made me realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse which was something that hadn’t entered my head before that. I suppose I thought that this was normal.
If it wasn’t for her I’d probably still be living with him. Although I’ve now left him and the support I’ve received has been fantastic I still have permanent problems with nightmares, intimacy and of course the physical scars. It’s not easy getting away but there is help out there.
Friday 7 November 2008
Latest on the proposed WAG Christmas campaign
A few weeks ago I told you that Brian Gibbons, Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, promised me during Ministerial scrunity in the Culture and Communities committee that the Welsh Assembly Government would fund a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign in the run up to Christmas. During the latest Communities and Culture committee this week I asked him for an update and again everything sounds very positive from the Government side of things. Although the nature of the campaign has not been revealed to me fully he did say that the Government are planning to hold one event in north Wales and another in south Wales to highlight the issue. As well as these events there will be an advert campaign but further details aren’t clear as of yet. I will of course keep you posted.
Nerys
Nerys
Monday 3 November 2008
A story I received this morning which shows how domestic abuse has an effect on the lives of everybody within a family
I am a 41 yr old single mum to three children, two girls and a boy, now teenagers. We were living with domestic abuse from my husband, father of the three children and and this continued even after he had gone. Possibly the worst abuse then being emotional to the children, via text message and even e-mail and financial abuse of us all. He left us with no money, made me redundant from the company we had set up together in which I had supported him for 12 years and prior to that redundancy he was actually taking my pay at source for which I had to undertake proceedings. Even when he agreed to settle he repaid me the monies owed by selling a vehicle that I had bought from a personal loan-I still have the loan currently. He had however registered the vehicle in his own name; there was nothing I could do.
I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,
A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.
He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.
I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.
I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.
The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.
The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.
I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.
Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!
I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,
A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.
He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.
I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.
I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.
The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.
The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.
I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.
Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!
Tuesday 28 October 2008
A poem that was sent to me today
I got flowers
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today……
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today……
Thursday 23 October 2008
A thirty year old woman's account of domestic violence
I wondered if I could post my story, to raise awareness of the difficulties surrounding domestic violence and how easy it is for someone to get caught up in a nasty situation.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.
Good News
Firstly, I’d like to thank everybody who has contributed to the blog so far and secondly I’d like to share some good news with you. In the Culture and Communities Committee yesterday the Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, Brian Gibbons, committed to giving Welsh Government support for a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign. He also acknowledged that the Christmas holiday period is problematic for domestic abuse and said that he is hopeful that the campaign will be launched in the first 2 weeks of December.
I have met with the Minister on several occasions as part of my campaign to raise awareness and I’m extremely pleased that, following our meeting, the Minister has commissioned his officials to look at what the Welsh Government can do to increase awareness of these issues and to challenge attitudes. I eagerly await the details of their plan.
Nerys
I have met with the Minister on several occasions as part of my campaign to raise awareness and I’m extremely pleased that, following our meeting, the Minister has commissioned his officials to look at what the Welsh Government can do to increase awareness of these issues and to challenge attitudes. I eagerly await the details of their plan.
Nerys
Wednesday 22 October 2008
Case Study B (Welsh Women's Aid)
Ms. S. came to the UK in December 2005 from India after her arranged marriage to her husband on a spouse visa. Ms. S. was 5 months pregnant when she arrived in the UK and she lived with her husband and mother and father in law in their property.
In January Ms. S. had a scan and discovered that the baby had a hole in the heart and other disabilities. Her husband was not happy about this and the family wanted her to have the baby aborted, which she was totally against in view of the fact that she was 5 months pregnant. After this she was mistreated by her husband and his family and she was forced to live in total isolation. She was forced to move into another bedroom and was accompanied everywhere by a member of the family, whether it was visiting family or going to a doctor’s appointments. She was financially deprived, virtually a prisoner in her own home and treated like a servant.
When the baby was born she was still asked to stay in the separate room so her husband would not hear the baby cry. She was also expected to carry out the chores in the usual manner.
The abuse continued until January 2007 when she had an opportunity to speak to a health visitor who advised and gave her information about support for women fleeing domestic abuse. As Ms. S. had no recourse to public funds, obtaining support was difficult and this forced her to remain in an abusive situation.
Things went from bad to worse and when she could not cope any longer she made an escape in February 2007 and went to an Indian family in a different city. This was the only family she knew in UK other than her in-laws. This family referred her to BAWSO because of her no recourse situation and to meet her cultural needs.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 12 months she was able to get her indefinite leave to remain in the UK and regain her confidence and self esteem to rebuild her life. She was also able to get the necessary treatments required for her son.
Ms. S. is now well settled in her own home and is developing her skills by accessing personal development courses whilst her son attends a play group regularly.
In January Ms. S. had a scan and discovered that the baby had a hole in the heart and other disabilities. Her husband was not happy about this and the family wanted her to have the baby aborted, which she was totally against in view of the fact that she was 5 months pregnant. After this she was mistreated by her husband and his family and she was forced to live in total isolation. She was forced to move into another bedroom and was accompanied everywhere by a member of the family, whether it was visiting family or going to a doctor’s appointments. She was financially deprived, virtually a prisoner in her own home and treated like a servant.
When the baby was born she was still asked to stay in the separate room so her husband would not hear the baby cry. She was also expected to carry out the chores in the usual manner.
The abuse continued until January 2007 when she had an opportunity to speak to a health visitor who advised and gave her information about support for women fleeing domestic abuse. As Ms. S. had no recourse to public funds, obtaining support was difficult and this forced her to remain in an abusive situation.
Things went from bad to worse and when she could not cope any longer she made an escape in February 2007 and went to an Indian family in a different city. This was the only family she knew in UK other than her in-laws. This family referred her to BAWSO because of her no recourse situation and to meet her cultural needs.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 12 months she was able to get her indefinite leave to remain in the UK and regain her confidence and self esteem to rebuild her life. She was also able to get the necessary treatments required for her son.
Ms. S. is now well settled in her own home and is developing her skills by accessing personal development courses whilst her son attends a play group regularly.
Case Study A (Welsh Women's Aid)
Ms. M. came to UK in 1993 from India with her 2 children when she fell in love with someone and they started living together. She opened her own business, a beauty salon. She worked very hard to build it and hired paid staff to meet the demand. Her partner was managing the financial side of the business and had total control of it. Ms. M. fully trusted him with all the finance of her business. During this time he purchased a property for her and registered it in her name. He also applied for various credit cards in her name. At the time she was not aware that he could forge her signature.
She had two children with him. After few years of them being together he started to abuse her and her eldest daughter emotionally, financially and physically. She felt trapped, she was working hard in the business and he was getting all the financial benefits. Ms. M stayed with her partner for nearly 8 years until one day he beat her and her daughter badly and threatened to kill them both. She left her home with her children and reported the abuse to the police who referred her to BAWSO Women’s Aid. By now Ms. M had lost her business, home, her confidence and self-esteem and feared for her and her daughter’s life. Credit card companies were also after her. She was extremely low and depressed.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 10 months she was able to regain her confidence and self esteem and rebuild her life. She has her own accommodation and is settled with her children far away from Manchester and her partner. She has now set up her beauty salon business in this area and doing really well. Her children are well settled in schools and her eldest daughter is also working as a beautician in one of the major stores in the city.
Ms. M is still fighting for the assets which are rightfully due to her through courts and paying off the debts that her partner has incurred.
She had two children with him. After few years of them being together he started to abuse her and her eldest daughter emotionally, financially and physically. She felt trapped, she was working hard in the business and he was getting all the financial benefits. Ms. M stayed with her partner for nearly 8 years until one day he beat her and her daughter badly and threatened to kill them both. She left her home with her children and reported the abuse to the police who referred her to BAWSO Women’s Aid. By now Ms. M had lost her business, home, her confidence and self-esteem and feared for her and her daughter’s life. Credit card companies were also after her. She was extremely low and depressed.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 10 months she was able to regain her confidence and self esteem and rebuild her life. She has her own accommodation and is settled with her children far away from Manchester and her partner. She has now set up her beauty salon business in this area and doing really well. Her children are well settled in schools and her eldest daughter is also working as a beautician in one of the major stores in the city.
Ms. M is still fighting for the assets which are rightfully due to her through courts and paying off the debts that her partner has incurred.
Tuesday 21 October 2008
My Story
As someone who had previously been in a refuge following a violent marriage, had been a volunteer for Women’s Aid, got their life back together, has a 1st and 2nd degree after making the decision that there was more to life, I was the last person who thought would experience domestic abuse, especially having been there once before! I had even written a thesis on domestic abuse and service provision!
But after a few years in a relationship, having spent time for just me and my kids, things began to shift. I didn’t even realise, I had a good job as a Policy Officer in a well known and respected organisation, I had a good salary, owned a car and then as a part owner of a house.
This was different, no physical violence, but the put downs, the accusations of affairs as I was out at work and he was ‘retired’ due to a bad back! Then I discovered the lies, the deceit in relation to how much money I had to pay in, I realised that he was just living off me and when I challenged him, that’s when it began. Five years I stayed, but things came to a head when I stopped paying. I was forced to live in the study, had a cupboard for food, he made life impossible for the kids and I. He would use the kitchen when he knew I would need to cook, despite being home all day. He said cruel things to the kids; he would bang on the floor above the study when I was sleeping. I would come home and find rubbish, boxes, anything thrown on the futon I slept on. He went through all my personal papers yet kept his under lock & key. He demanded money, had all the utilities transferred to my name and when I left found that he had never allowed the meters to be read and when I read them I had bills for hundreds of pounds for 2 and half months. He’d paid the estimated bills!
I couldn’t get on any housing list as I owned a house, I had to rent. I borrowed money for a bond and left. He wouldn’t let me take anything from the house unless I had physically been to the shop and bought it, despite having all my own furniture and home long before I met him, and having paid into the home for 10 years!
Even after I left he made life hell, threatened me with bankruptcy by refusing to sell the house, demanding I paid the mortgage, plus my rent, that I paid his council tax, stopped prospective buyers from coming to view the house. I had to take out a loan to pay all the legal costs, court costs, he didn’t, he got his for free! He made me pay and pay until I was near bankruptcy. I became even more depressed, I have been taking anti depressants since a week after I left him, all my coping mechanisms shattered as he continued to be difficult.
He came to my workplace; he waited in full view of my colleagues for 2 hours, glaring at me, intimidated my colleague until we called the police. He wanted to tell my boss about me!
After 15 months, the house was finally sold, from my share of the equity; all I had left was enough to buy a car after I paid off all the debts I’d incurred over the 15 months.
Now I have moved jobs, it was awful everyone looking and talking, I had no support there, I still rent as I have no deposit, even after 10 years of paying a mortgage, but I am free, my kids are happy, finally I am happy, as I had to make friends with myself again and realise that I did nothing wrong.
But after a few years in a relationship, having spent time for just me and my kids, things began to shift. I didn’t even realise, I had a good job as a Policy Officer in a well known and respected organisation, I had a good salary, owned a car and then as a part owner of a house.
This was different, no physical violence, but the put downs, the accusations of affairs as I was out at work and he was ‘retired’ due to a bad back! Then I discovered the lies, the deceit in relation to how much money I had to pay in, I realised that he was just living off me and when I challenged him, that’s when it began. Five years I stayed, but things came to a head when I stopped paying. I was forced to live in the study, had a cupboard for food, he made life impossible for the kids and I. He would use the kitchen when he knew I would need to cook, despite being home all day. He said cruel things to the kids; he would bang on the floor above the study when I was sleeping. I would come home and find rubbish, boxes, anything thrown on the futon I slept on. He went through all my personal papers yet kept his under lock & key. He demanded money, had all the utilities transferred to my name and when I left found that he had never allowed the meters to be read and when I read them I had bills for hundreds of pounds for 2 and half months. He’d paid the estimated bills!
I couldn’t get on any housing list as I owned a house, I had to rent. I borrowed money for a bond and left. He wouldn’t let me take anything from the house unless I had physically been to the shop and bought it, despite having all my own furniture and home long before I met him, and having paid into the home for 10 years!
Even after I left he made life hell, threatened me with bankruptcy by refusing to sell the house, demanding I paid the mortgage, plus my rent, that I paid his council tax, stopped prospective buyers from coming to view the house. I had to take out a loan to pay all the legal costs, court costs, he didn’t, he got his for free! He made me pay and pay until I was near bankruptcy. I became even more depressed, I have been taking anti depressants since a week after I left him, all my coping mechanisms shattered as he continued to be difficult.
He came to my workplace; he waited in full view of my colleagues for 2 hours, glaring at me, intimidated my colleague until we called the police. He wanted to tell my boss about me!
After 15 months, the house was finally sold, from my share of the equity; all I had left was enough to buy a car after I paid off all the debts I’d incurred over the 15 months.
Now I have moved jobs, it was awful everyone looking and talking, I had no support there, I still rent as I have no deposit, even after 10 years of paying a mortgage, but I am free, my kids are happy, finally I am happy, as I had to make friends with myself again and realise that I did nothing wrong.
A woman in her late forties tells her story
I left my ex-partner of l9 years, a few days after he punched me in the back of the head, smashing stuff in the kitchen at the same time.
Police involved a few days later when I went to them - unfortunately CPS did not prosecute. I left my home in March 2008 due to my ex's deteriorating and escalating behaviours - i.e. he threw my new breakfast cereals into a black bag with dog excrement. Lots of my stuff was thrown away.
Ex became very frightening saying 'why I haven't murdered you I don't know' on a number of occasion - the details of which were given to the police who were brilliant. I sold my Rolex and got enough money from cash converters to leave home and I took as much of my clothes as I could and moved into a hotel, and put what I could into storage. I hid the money in my handbag so frightened was I that my ex would find it. Escalating extreme psychological abuse - so frightening that I felt sick all of the time. Doctor involved. Previous injury and necrotised muscle in leg shown to doctor (too late to do anything about the injury).
My ex's behaviour towards me deteriorated after I was persuaded to put him onto the Deeds on the property which I owned outright - having purchased it for cash (as the last house he lived with me in). Gradually the behaviour worsened so much so that I became very ill - ex tried to make out I was mad and once when I talked to police officers about what was going on and that he was trying to get to cash in my occupational pensions, he persuaded them that I was ill!
After I left, my ex first of all said that he had an authority to act to sell the house and that I was in hospital, comatosed and heavily sedated! Then my ex locked me out. Then my ex refused to sell the house and I had to push him into court to ensure that the proposed house sale went through. Then my ex prevented me seeing my dogs, owned by me. Then, my ex took my dogs allowing me only to see them if I went with him walking the dogs because they are 'big' and I may not be able to manage. Because of his threatening and frightening behaviour I can't see dogs with him accompanying me.
Since then voicemails telling me my exact address and that my ex knew the landlord (so much for moving somewhere I felt safe), so that I have had to move again. The police came to check my safety and to take another report. In recent weeks more voicemails and harassment and the police involved again. I have tried to be as reasonable as possible so that I get to see my dogs, but no matter how reasonable I am, my reasonableness has been rebuffed.
Since then, dogs are with ex - he refuses to allow me to see them - rather than being my dogs (which they are) they are now his dogs and access to them is refused according to a text message sent on his behalf by someone who knows how hurt I would be by the message.
I have letters confirming everything particularly when I discovered that my ex had been to the estate agents saying I was in hospital (the potential buyers of the house told me). My ex even went to his employer (I believe saying that we were in arrears with mortgage asking for a loan - and he paid his golf club membership - which I normally paid each year). I spent half of my occupational lump sum payment on buying a family car (for the dogs, paying of ex's car loan) only to find that my car, this car and a caravan previously purchased were all put into his name. I had all the debts in my name and he had all of the benefits from us living together in his.
Ex has been extremely aggressive and frightening when he has been in contact with me – one night he rang at ll.43pm – I did not know it was him at first – I was asleep. He was told not to contact me and not to be aggressive. I have only been in contact for the sake of my dogs. I don’t believe dog insurance has been taken out by him or that the dogs a frontlined to stop them getting flees. One was so frightened of him when he exploded one day at home, she went upstairs and wet herself.
All of the domestic abuse is apparently 'my fault' and that he blames me for his arrest despite what he had done.
I am bereft over having to leave my dogs - its my ex’s last piece of power and control really. Leaving your dogs is like leaving your children. Before I was locked out I returned to the house to leave some money for my ex and to make sure the dogs were ok – they had no water. Days after I went with my friend and had to get a ladder to make sure they were ok. I wish to this day that I had taken my dogs with me – anywhere just so that they and I were together. I am currently going to be seeking the advice of the RSPCA to find out whether my dogs are being looked after and to make sure that their veterinary attention is being done properly.
My weight has dropped 2 stone in 6-months. I have tried to keep civil for the sake of eventually seeing my dogs and being able to take them out - this has all been refused by ex.
I have started working again even though I officially retired last year - my ex spending at least half of the money - on benefitting himself and a holiday to boot – which I paid for – like all of the other holidays over many years. All of the credit cards were in my name – nothing in his – not even gas or electricity or the Council tax.
I am a very well know practitioner in the field of women's rights. My daughter, her husband and grandchildren visited during their school holidays and my ex pushed me in front of my grandchildren.
I also know now that if I had spotted earlier on how much my ex’s behaviour had deteriorated and that it was at both ends of the spectrum – you just couldn’t work out what he was going to do next, I would have acted completely differently. I wish I had got the police in the night he punched me. Its just it was the final straw!
My daughter attended the police domestic abuse unit with me. My daughter would also be willing to be interviewed. It has been a nightmare trying to return to work and keep a job done with everything going on.
Police involved a few days later when I went to them - unfortunately CPS did not prosecute. I left my home in March 2008 due to my ex's deteriorating and escalating behaviours - i.e. he threw my new breakfast cereals into a black bag with dog excrement. Lots of my stuff was thrown away.
Ex became very frightening saying 'why I haven't murdered you I don't know' on a number of occasion - the details of which were given to the police who were brilliant. I sold my Rolex and got enough money from cash converters to leave home and I took as much of my clothes as I could and moved into a hotel, and put what I could into storage. I hid the money in my handbag so frightened was I that my ex would find it. Escalating extreme psychological abuse - so frightening that I felt sick all of the time. Doctor involved. Previous injury and necrotised muscle in leg shown to doctor (too late to do anything about the injury).
My ex's behaviour towards me deteriorated after I was persuaded to put him onto the Deeds on the property which I owned outright - having purchased it for cash (as the last house he lived with me in). Gradually the behaviour worsened so much so that I became very ill - ex tried to make out I was mad and once when I talked to police officers about what was going on and that he was trying to get to cash in my occupational pensions, he persuaded them that I was ill!
After I left, my ex first of all said that he had an authority to act to sell the house and that I was in hospital, comatosed and heavily sedated! Then my ex locked me out. Then my ex refused to sell the house and I had to push him into court to ensure that the proposed house sale went through. Then my ex prevented me seeing my dogs, owned by me. Then, my ex took my dogs allowing me only to see them if I went with him walking the dogs because they are 'big' and I may not be able to manage. Because of his threatening and frightening behaviour I can't see dogs with him accompanying me.
Since then voicemails telling me my exact address and that my ex knew the landlord (so much for moving somewhere I felt safe), so that I have had to move again. The police came to check my safety and to take another report. In recent weeks more voicemails and harassment and the police involved again. I have tried to be as reasonable as possible so that I get to see my dogs, but no matter how reasonable I am, my reasonableness has been rebuffed.
Since then, dogs are with ex - he refuses to allow me to see them - rather than being my dogs (which they are) they are now his dogs and access to them is refused according to a text message sent on his behalf by someone who knows how hurt I would be by the message.
I have letters confirming everything particularly when I discovered that my ex had been to the estate agents saying I was in hospital (the potential buyers of the house told me). My ex even went to his employer (I believe saying that we were in arrears with mortgage asking for a loan - and he paid his golf club membership - which I normally paid each year). I spent half of my occupational lump sum payment on buying a family car (for the dogs, paying of ex's car loan) only to find that my car, this car and a caravan previously purchased were all put into his name. I had all the debts in my name and he had all of the benefits from us living together in his.
Ex has been extremely aggressive and frightening when he has been in contact with me – one night he rang at ll.43pm – I did not know it was him at first – I was asleep. He was told not to contact me and not to be aggressive. I have only been in contact for the sake of my dogs. I don’t believe dog insurance has been taken out by him or that the dogs a frontlined to stop them getting flees. One was so frightened of him when he exploded one day at home, she went upstairs and wet herself.
All of the domestic abuse is apparently 'my fault' and that he blames me for his arrest despite what he had done.
I am bereft over having to leave my dogs - its my ex’s last piece of power and control really. Leaving your dogs is like leaving your children. Before I was locked out I returned to the house to leave some money for my ex and to make sure the dogs were ok – they had no water. Days after I went with my friend and had to get a ladder to make sure they were ok. I wish to this day that I had taken my dogs with me – anywhere just so that they and I were together. I am currently going to be seeking the advice of the RSPCA to find out whether my dogs are being looked after and to make sure that their veterinary attention is being done properly.
My weight has dropped 2 stone in 6-months. I have tried to keep civil for the sake of eventually seeing my dogs and being able to take them out - this has all been refused by ex.
I have started working again even though I officially retired last year - my ex spending at least half of the money - on benefitting himself and a holiday to boot – which I paid for – like all of the other holidays over many years. All of the credit cards were in my name – nothing in his – not even gas or electricity or the Council tax.
I am a very well know practitioner in the field of women's rights. My daughter, her husband and grandchildren visited during their school holidays and my ex pushed me in front of my grandchildren.
I also know now that if I had spotted earlier on how much my ex’s behaviour had deteriorated and that it was at both ends of the spectrum – you just couldn’t work out what he was going to do next, I would have acted completely differently. I wish I had got the police in the night he punched me. Its just it was the final straw!
My daughter attended the police domestic abuse unit with me. My daughter would also be willing to be interviewed. It has been a nightmare trying to return to work and keep a job done with everything going on.
Friday 17 October 2008
A South Wales woman's personal experience shared anonymously with Welsh Women’s Aid
"I am a victim of Domestic Abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, sexual and finally physical. My first husband left me for another woman, and left me with two babies and no support as my family lived in a different area. So when I met my second husband I was already a vulnerable person and eager to please him in case he too would leave me for someone else.
For the first two years he was a very good husband, then very slowly he started to change. He never wanted to hand over any money as he was a drinker and needed his money for drink. When he would do a job in the house or garden, at the slightest criticism or suggestion that he should do something different he would down everything walk away and start drinking. He would come home angry and abusive and disrupt the family. He would buy me and the children anything we wanted, but unfortunately he would pay for nothing. If he couldn’t have something such as a car or holiday then it would be my fault as I wasn’t managing the money properly – I was useless at everything.
When the children needed money for school trips or shoes or a treat of any kind I was able to give it to them because I was working, but it was always with the provision that they never told daddy. After about ten years, in which time we had parted many times, I was a regular visitor at the surgery, taking prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets, and was a nervous wreck. He was in total control of everything that happened within the house - we ate his choice of food at the time he wanted to eat, and when he was in the house he controlled the TV and we only watched what he wanted to watch. He told me what I had to wear and if he didn’t like what I put on he would say ‘I’m not going out with you like that’. And if he couldn’t have sex when and where he wanted I was no good wife and mother, so I was passively raped for many years. I ended up feeling worthless and useless and ended up deciding to take my own life. Thankfully I did not succeed. At the age of 48 years I had been married three times, once to my first husband and twice to my second husband because I couldn’t live with him but I couldn’t live without him either. I had become dependant on him. I was taking more and more prescribed drugs. I was miserably unhappy and thought I was going crazy.
I went to a drug rehab centre for advice about the drugs I was taking and was horrified to find out I was addicted to the drugs and possibly addicted to alcohol. I did what the drug centre suggested and went to Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon and started to learn how to take care of myself, and so get out from under his control. That’s when he became physically violent. When I started to ask for money for contributions for household bills and food. When I said no to his choice of food and times of food. When I started to take care of how I looked and take care of myself properly as I had neglected myself. When I refused sex. Whenever I said no he got violent. I had never said no before. I know what it’s like to be pulled by the roots of my hair from every room in the house. He would do that so he wouldn’t leave any marks. I’ve had a knife to my throat so many times. I have suffered verbal abuse that can not be repeated. The violence was so bad I flipped and went to the kitchen, got a butchers knife and tried to kill him. It was then I knew I had to get out. I had nowhere to go. Women’s Aid was the only place that would give me a roof over my head. They gave me support to get him evicted from my council house which was in my name. They showed me kindness that I had not received for a very long time from anyone or anywhere. Most importantly I felt safe in the refuge. I had a roof over my head and felt I could sort my life out. And for that I will always be grateful. Women’s Aid in my opinion is vital in our society today, because women suffering domestic abuse have nowhere to go. And families and victims do not always understand or support the victims. So in my opinion Women’s Aid is the only place we have got."
For the first two years he was a very good husband, then very slowly he started to change. He never wanted to hand over any money as he was a drinker and needed his money for drink. When he would do a job in the house or garden, at the slightest criticism or suggestion that he should do something different he would down everything walk away and start drinking. He would come home angry and abusive and disrupt the family. He would buy me and the children anything we wanted, but unfortunately he would pay for nothing. If he couldn’t have something such as a car or holiday then it would be my fault as I wasn’t managing the money properly – I was useless at everything.
When the children needed money for school trips or shoes or a treat of any kind I was able to give it to them because I was working, but it was always with the provision that they never told daddy. After about ten years, in which time we had parted many times, I was a regular visitor at the surgery, taking prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets, and was a nervous wreck. He was in total control of everything that happened within the house - we ate his choice of food at the time he wanted to eat, and when he was in the house he controlled the TV and we only watched what he wanted to watch. He told me what I had to wear and if he didn’t like what I put on he would say ‘I’m not going out with you like that’. And if he couldn’t have sex when and where he wanted I was no good wife and mother, so I was passively raped for many years. I ended up feeling worthless and useless and ended up deciding to take my own life. Thankfully I did not succeed. At the age of 48 years I had been married three times, once to my first husband and twice to my second husband because I couldn’t live with him but I couldn’t live without him either. I had become dependant on him. I was taking more and more prescribed drugs. I was miserably unhappy and thought I was going crazy.
I went to a drug rehab centre for advice about the drugs I was taking and was horrified to find out I was addicted to the drugs and possibly addicted to alcohol. I did what the drug centre suggested and went to Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon and started to learn how to take care of myself, and so get out from under his control. That’s when he became physically violent. When I started to ask for money for contributions for household bills and food. When I said no to his choice of food and times of food. When I started to take care of how I looked and take care of myself properly as I had neglected myself. When I refused sex. Whenever I said no he got violent. I had never said no before. I know what it’s like to be pulled by the roots of my hair from every room in the house. He would do that so he wouldn’t leave any marks. I’ve had a knife to my throat so many times. I have suffered verbal abuse that can not be repeated. The violence was so bad I flipped and went to the kitchen, got a butchers knife and tried to kill him. It was then I knew I had to get out. I had nowhere to go. Women’s Aid was the only place that would give me a roof over my head. They gave me support to get him evicted from my council house which was in my name. They showed me kindness that I had not received for a very long time from anyone or anywhere. Most importantly I felt safe in the refuge. I had a roof over my head and felt I could sort my life out. And for that I will always be grateful. Women’s Aid in my opinion is vital in our society today, because women suffering domestic abuse have nowhere to go. And families and victims do not always understand or support the victims. So in my opinion Women’s Aid is the only place we have got."
Welcome to the blog - Croeso i'r blog
One in four women in Wales will experience violence at the hands of a partner during their lives and on average a female victim of domestic violence is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police. The first time you come across this statistic, it is shocking, but the more you hear it, the less of an impact it has and the shock soon disappears. But behind the stats are women with real life experiences of suffering violence and abuse purely because of their gender. These are women from all types of background, professions, class, religion, ethnicity and age.
This blog's aim is to show the human stories behind the statistics in order to bring home the severity of the issue. It demonstrates that this is happening in ALL of our communities, in our streets and in our villages and to people we know and love.
Domestic abuse and violence against women is not talked about in our society largely due to the fact that women do not speak out about their experiences. They somehow feel that they are to be blamed for being a victim and therefore the severity and incidence of the problem is largely ignored by most in society, as if it doesn’t exist. After all it’s easier to try and ignore the issue rather than try and deal with it, isn’t it?
This is the second part of my campaign to bring more attention to the prevalence of this issue. The first part gained a lot of media attention when 3 AMs admitted to being victims or rape and 1 of domestic violence. Those stats aren’t as shocking as they seem, they follow national trends and I suspect that there are more experiences with the Assembly than the anonymous poll indicates. The shocking thing is that it took politicians to speak out, albeit anonymously to get attention to the issue.
I’m calling on the One Wales Assembly Government to fund an awareness raising campaign to challenge attitudes towards violence against women, both domestic abuse and otherwise. Abuse can take numerous forms: physical, emotional, psychological, and financial and it’s about time we opened up this debate and challenged the attitudes that exist, for the good of the whole of Welsh society.
Finally I’d like to thank the brave women who have had the courage to write about their experiences here. If you would like to contribute anonymously you can contact me at nerys.evans@wales.gov.uk
We now all look towards the Welsh Government to take a lead in challenging this behaviour.
Nerys
This blog's aim is to show the human stories behind the statistics in order to bring home the severity of the issue. It demonstrates that this is happening in ALL of our communities, in our streets and in our villages and to people we know and love.
Domestic abuse and violence against women is not talked about in our society largely due to the fact that women do not speak out about their experiences. They somehow feel that they are to be blamed for being a victim and therefore the severity and incidence of the problem is largely ignored by most in society, as if it doesn’t exist. After all it’s easier to try and ignore the issue rather than try and deal with it, isn’t it?
This is the second part of my campaign to bring more attention to the prevalence of this issue. The first part gained a lot of media attention when 3 AMs admitted to being victims or rape and 1 of domestic violence. Those stats aren’t as shocking as they seem, they follow national trends and I suspect that there are more experiences with the Assembly than the anonymous poll indicates. The shocking thing is that it took politicians to speak out, albeit anonymously to get attention to the issue.
I’m calling on the One Wales Assembly Government to fund an awareness raising campaign to challenge attitudes towards violence against women, both domestic abuse and otherwise. Abuse can take numerous forms: physical, emotional, psychological, and financial and it’s about time we opened up this debate and challenged the attitudes that exist, for the good of the whole of Welsh society.
Finally I’d like to thank the brave women who have had the courage to write about their experiences here. If you would like to contribute anonymously you can contact me at nerys.evans@wales.gov.uk
We now all look towards the Welsh Government to take a lead in challenging this behaviour.
Nerys
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