The National Federation of Women’s Institutes has launched a new research project with Bristol University comparing and contrasting violence against women in rural and urban settings. It is hoped that the findings will help to tackle the stereotyping that for example, violence against women does not happen in rural areas and if it does, it’s only domestic violence. Hopefully it will also show what kind of support services are needed.
If you have an opportunity I would urge you to take part in the online survey which can be completed from the following link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=_2boN6N_2fdbHbhJ0gVoWqN4vA_3d_3d
The deadline for completed surveys is 14 February 2009 with the results of the research being launched in Spring 2009.
For further information about the No More Violence Against Women Campaign please visit http://thewi.org.uk/campaigns or contact the NFWI-Wales Office on 029 2022 1712.
Thanks,
Nerys
Thursday 29 January 2009
Tuesday 27 January 2009
'Help is available'
"Me and my children were involved in domestic abuse. Carmarthen Women's Aid Floating Support have helped us as a family unit, providing support in the community. Funding is essential for this cause other people in crisis can be helped."
Tuesday 13 January 2009
A mother's story
I met my husband 10.5 years ago when I was vulnerable, single mum with 2 children 5& 6 years old. I knew him as he worked for my father at the time. He would come round and offer to put up shelves or wire in a fish pond for me. Then he would come around every other night just after I had put my children to bed. He said he had just come away from a long term relationship & he did not talk about it. He was most charming and a really thoughtful loving guy at first. One thing let to another and we became an item and quickly moved him self in with us little by little.
2 years on, we bought a house together based on my wages as he was on long term Incapacity Benefit. We did a lot of renovations to the house. That’s all what we seem to do, was work on the house. My partner then would lose his temper at the slightest thing and throw what ever he had to hand at me, each time causing me to bleed and bruise badly.
We got married in September 2004 after a short engagement of 3 months and I was recovering from an operation. I had been unwell for some time and my health was still deteriorating, but still carried on in work. My husband wanted us to get married as he feared he would lose me and wanted to marry me so he would be legal guardian of my children and to adopt them as his.
Soon after our marriage my husbands temper and mood swings became more frequent and lasted longer. I started to keep a diary of what he subjected us to and how often it was happening and for how long he would subject us to it. My husband would get so angry at the slightest thing he would race around the house like a bull in a china shop, with rage and his eyes popping out of his head. Whilst he did this he would subject us to verbal abuse which was so vile it stayed in my mind. He would go round and smash things, usually my things not his. He would call me everything from Frigid, to fucking hoare, slag, slapper and all I was good for was fucking and house work. He would then accuse me of having an affair because I could not show him any affection when he was subjecting us to this.
He destroyed every birthday my daughter had for the past 3 years, from throwing her birthday cake in the bin, throwing verbal abuse at us which then led to interigating me and intimidating me until the early hours of the morning. The children stayed out the way upstairs in their bedrooms, but would hear everything.
He would physically stop my daughter from going to work, or block the gates to stop her coming home with masonary stone. The kids could not go anywhere unless I dropped them off and picked them up at certain times. This also isolated me from friends and a life.
We went on holiday in Cyprus which I paid for,August 2006 and lasted only 3 days and I had to pay for tickets to come home early because he kicked off over their and attacked a member off staff. He left us at the hotel with all our passports and returned an hour later, demanding Cypriot money. He then stayed and locked us in the hotel room for 24 hrs without food and drink and in the dark. He then subjected my daughter to keeping her head down looking at the floor from the hotel to the airport and throughout our journey home, wearing a jumper in the boiling hot weather. Once home, he stormed into the house and went upstairs to my daughters bedroom and tore it apart. Took her mobile phone and broke it, and stole the sim card, then subjected her to interrogation. We were all terrified, I could not stop him however hard I tried. I was too scared to do anything or ask for help. I could not show my husband any affection for months. He would break down in tears and lock himself away in the bedroom, pleading with me and apologising.
He attacked my son in a car park of a shopping centre whilst onlookers were watching. He hit him so hard it knocked him off his feet. My husbands explanation was that he had tooth ache. I prayed that someone would come to our rescue but no one did. We were terrified.
The mental abuse we had was written signs placed on door saying “keep out all you fucker”. He turned the electric off to the house and only kept the lounge with electric so he was the only one that could watch tv. He also turned all the thermostats off the radiators so the house was freezing, and blamed us for breaking the boiler. He had also altered the central heating pipework and refused to reconnect it for weeks, resulting in us freezing during winter and also having to have cold showers. He would drive the car so fast and swerve the car when his is in a rage that we would shut our eyes and hold on to the seat.
He held me in a corner of the kitchen waving a knife at me, telling me that I would have to be quicker than him to take the knife from him.
Last Christmas was exceptionally traumatic. We had been working on the house trying to get the lounge finished for xmas and eventually succeeded late xmas eve. Christmas day was sheer hell, he was verbally aggressive and abusive and shut him self away again in the bedroom. I took the kids out to spend their money the day after boxing day and left him behind in the bedroom because he did not want to come. We were only out 2 hours. We got back and he was still upstairs. The kids were happy with what they had bought. I went to see my husband upstairs and he pretended to be asleep so came back down. Next minute he came down stairs throwing abuse at me and my daughter came down stairs. He told her to get his phone. He bought my daughter a new phone after he broke hers in 2006. She gave it to him, he took the sim out and threw it outside and told her she was not having his phone. I told him to go and get it and how childish he was. He just stood there and verbally abused us. The kids went outside to find the sim card whilst I satyed and asked him why!. He could not give me a reason. He verbally attacked my daughter when she came through the door with her sim card. So she mouthed back at him. He launched himself at her and pushed her so she fell backwards onto the sofa. She got up and answered him back and he attacked her. He hit her so hard his hand print was across her face and again fell backwards onto the floor. My son and myself tried to stop him and he went to punch my son as well. The kids went upstairs and I stay and scream at him whilst crying. His explanation was he thought I was having an affair. I race upstairs and start throwing my clothes out of the wardrobe only for him to follow and try to put them back in. I told him I have no life, I don’t go anywhere, he does not take me anywhere so whats the point in having clothes. I left him there and told the kids to get in the car as we are going. We ended up in a supermarket carpark and me phoning his sister and I told her. I only regret that I did not drive to the police station and report him there and then.
His apologises don’t mean anything any more because a few days later he does something else to us and blames us for the way he is.
The next 6 months are more extreme with his intimidation, interigating, controlling and abuse in every aspect.
For the last 4 weeks my husband would get up go to work and not return until after midnight, then he would sleep on the sofa. Only twice he came home by 7 pm and then he would continue to ignore us and lock himself under the stairs on the computer all night. At the end of June this year I made a fatal mistake of asking my husband why he was doing this and if he was going to join me in the lounge. I shut the door on him when he threw verbal obsenities at me. He did join me in the lounge, with a bottle of brandy and bottle of cava and proceeded to mix the two together and drink. I left him to it as I had, had enough of his vile words he was throwing at me. 2 hours later me came into the bedroom and held me down and raped me. I only wish I had heard the door open.
My husband had threatened us with burning the house down with us in it if we ever told any one or reported him to the police. I reported him to the police 18 months ago and told him I am divorcing him. He stopped me. I filed for a divorce twice since that and stopped it for fear of what he would do to us. There is so much more he subjected us to, to mention. But all is horrific, and I wish I had never met him.
I reported him to the police a day later once I knew he was in work. I told them everything he had subjected us to and they arrested him. My children and myself gave video evidence. My husband was released on bail and stayed on bail for 9 weeks for rape. He walked free for raping me as marital rape is hard to prove. My husband lied all through his interview and he walked free for what he did. He was then interviewed for what he did to the kids and placed back on bail lasting 3 weeks and again walked free from that. Explanation was it is 3 days outside 6 months of his last physical abuse towards the kids.
The law in this country is a joke. There is a lot of publicity about domestic violence but still nothing is done to convict these abusers and they go on to do it to someone else.
Needless to say we have been shunned by friends and family, and they have sided with him. What they don’t see is the person he really is. I am fighting back and telling everyone the truth. My husband has done this to his last girlfriend. I only found out 6 weeks ago when I found a file in the loft, whilst clearing his stuff out. It was the cps evidence of statements ready for court case for affray and ABH. It was frightening what he did to her. The frightening thing about this is that he made his move on us whilst the court case was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and I never knew. He is such a good liar and actor he never let on or showed any emotion for me to suspect anything!
Womens aid have been brilliant in every way. I don’t think I would have got through this without them. And going through the freedom program has just made me realise that all of the signs were there from the start of our relationship, but I did not see it. And he did do a lot of the above before we married, but I was blind in love and thought he would change. But it got worse, and we are still paying for it now. We have a non molestation order and occupancy order in place to keep him away from us, but that has not stopped him. You still need proof he is doing these things in the eyes of the law. I am disgusted with the law and the way we have been treated throughout by the police.
2 years on, we bought a house together based on my wages as he was on long term Incapacity Benefit. We did a lot of renovations to the house. That’s all what we seem to do, was work on the house. My partner then would lose his temper at the slightest thing and throw what ever he had to hand at me, each time causing me to bleed and bruise badly.
We got married in September 2004 after a short engagement of 3 months and I was recovering from an operation. I had been unwell for some time and my health was still deteriorating, but still carried on in work. My husband wanted us to get married as he feared he would lose me and wanted to marry me so he would be legal guardian of my children and to adopt them as his.
Soon after our marriage my husbands temper and mood swings became more frequent and lasted longer. I started to keep a diary of what he subjected us to and how often it was happening and for how long he would subject us to it. My husband would get so angry at the slightest thing he would race around the house like a bull in a china shop, with rage and his eyes popping out of his head. Whilst he did this he would subject us to verbal abuse which was so vile it stayed in my mind. He would go round and smash things, usually my things not his. He would call me everything from Frigid, to fucking hoare, slag, slapper and all I was good for was fucking and house work. He would then accuse me of having an affair because I could not show him any affection when he was subjecting us to this.
He destroyed every birthday my daughter had for the past 3 years, from throwing her birthday cake in the bin, throwing verbal abuse at us which then led to interigating me and intimidating me until the early hours of the morning. The children stayed out the way upstairs in their bedrooms, but would hear everything.
He would physically stop my daughter from going to work, or block the gates to stop her coming home with masonary stone. The kids could not go anywhere unless I dropped them off and picked them up at certain times. This also isolated me from friends and a life.
We went on holiday in Cyprus which I paid for,August 2006 and lasted only 3 days and I had to pay for tickets to come home early because he kicked off over their and attacked a member off staff. He left us at the hotel with all our passports and returned an hour later, demanding Cypriot money. He then stayed and locked us in the hotel room for 24 hrs without food and drink and in the dark. He then subjected my daughter to keeping her head down looking at the floor from the hotel to the airport and throughout our journey home, wearing a jumper in the boiling hot weather. Once home, he stormed into the house and went upstairs to my daughters bedroom and tore it apart. Took her mobile phone and broke it, and stole the sim card, then subjected her to interrogation. We were all terrified, I could not stop him however hard I tried. I was too scared to do anything or ask for help. I could not show my husband any affection for months. He would break down in tears and lock himself away in the bedroom, pleading with me and apologising.
He attacked my son in a car park of a shopping centre whilst onlookers were watching. He hit him so hard it knocked him off his feet. My husbands explanation was that he had tooth ache. I prayed that someone would come to our rescue but no one did. We were terrified.
The mental abuse we had was written signs placed on door saying “keep out all you fucker”. He turned the electric off to the house and only kept the lounge with electric so he was the only one that could watch tv. He also turned all the thermostats off the radiators so the house was freezing, and blamed us for breaking the boiler. He had also altered the central heating pipework and refused to reconnect it for weeks, resulting in us freezing during winter and also having to have cold showers. He would drive the car so fast and swerve the car when his is in a rage that we would shut our eyes and hold on to the seat.
He held me in a corner of the kitchen waving a knife at me, telling me that I would have to be quicker than him to take the knife from him.
Last Christmas was exceptionally traumatic. We had been working on the house trying to get the lounge finished for xmas and eventually succeeded late xmas eve. Christmas day was sheer hell, he was verbally aggressive and abusive and shut him self away again in the bedroom. I took the kids out to spend their money the day after boxing day and left him behind in the bedroom because he did not want to come. We were only out 2 hours. We got back and he was still upstairs. The kids were happy with what they had bought. I went to see my husband upstairs and he pretended to be asleep so came back down. Next minute he came down stairs throwing abuse at me and my daughter came down stairs. He told her to get his phone. He bought my daughter a new phone after he broke hers in 2006. She gave it to him, he took the sim out and threw it outside and told her she was not having his phone. I told him to go and get it and how childish he was. He just stood there and verbally abused us. The kids went outside to find the sim card whilst I satyed and asked him why!. He could not give me a reason. He verbally attacked my daughter when she came through the door with her sim card. So she mouthed back at him. He launched himself at her and pushed her so she fell backwards onto the sofa. She got up and answered him back and he attacked her. He hit her so hard his hand print was across her face and again fell backwards onto the floor. My son and myself tried to stop him and he went to punch my son as well. The kids went upstairs and I stay and scream at him whilst crying. His explanation was he thought I was having an affair. I race upstairs and start throwing my clothes out of the wardrobe only for him to follow and try to put them back in. I told him I have no life, I don’t go anywhere, he does not take me anywhere so whats the point in having clothes. I left him there and told the kids to get in the car as we are going. We ended up in a supermarket carpark and me phoning his sister and I told her. I only regret that I did not drive to the police station and report him there and then.
His apologises don’t mean anything any more because a few days later he does something else to us and blames us for the way he is.
The next 6 months are more extreme with his intimidation, interigating, controlling and abuse in every aspect.
For the last 4 weeks my husband would get up go to work and not return until after midnight, then he would sleep on the sofa. Only twice he came home by 7 pm and then he would continue to ignore us and lock himself under the stairs on the computer all night. At the end of June this year I made a fatal mistake of asking my husband why he was doing this and if he was going to join me in the lounge. I shut the door on him when he threw verbal obsenities at me. He did join me in the lounge, with a bottle of brandy and bottle of cava and proceeded to mix the two together and drink. I left him to it as I had, had enough of his vile words he was throwing at me. 2 hours later me came into the bedroom and held me down and raped me. I only wish I had heard the door open.
My husband had threatened us with burning the house down with us in it if we ever told any one or reported him to the police. I reported him to the police 18 months ago and told him I am divorcing him. He stopped me. I filed for a divorce twice since that and stopped it for fear of what he would do to us. There is so much more he subjected us to, to mention. But all is horrific, and I wish I had never met him.
I reported him to the police a day later once I knew he was in work. I told them everything he had subjected us to and they arrested him. My children and myself gave video evidence. My husband was released on bail and stayed on bail for 9 weeks for rape. He walked free for raping me as marital rape is hard to prove. My husband lied all through his interview and he walked free for what he did. He was then interviewed for what he did to the kids and placed back on bail lasting 3 weeks and again walked free from that. Explanation was it is 3 days outside 6 months of his last physical abuse towards the kids.
The law in this country is a joke. There is a lot of publicity about domestic violence but still nothing is done to convict these abusers and they go on to do it to someone else.
Needless to say we have been shunned by friends and family, and they have sided with him. What they don’t see is the person he really is. I am fighting back and telling everyone the truth. My husband has done this to his last girlfriend. I only found out 6 weeks ago when I found a file in the loft, whilst clearing his stuff out. It was the cps evidence of statements ready for court case for affray and ABH. It was frightening what he did to her. The frightening thing about this is that he made his move on us whilst the court case was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and I never knew. He is such a good liar and actor he never let on or showed any emotion for me to suspect anything!
Womens aid have been brilliant in every way. I don’t think I would have got through this without them. And going through the freedom program has just made me realise that all of the signs were there from the start of our relationship, but I did not see it. And he did do a lot of the above before we married, but I was blind in love and thought he would change. But it got worse, and we are still paying for it now. We have a non molestation order and occupancy order in place to keep him away from us, but that has not stopped him. You still need proof he is doing these things in the eyes of the law. I am disgusted with the law and the way we have been treated throughout by the police.
Thursday 8 January 2009
A poem that was passed on to me through Women's Aid
Pause and Reflect
To all of you who’ve helped me through this low
You’ve been there in my need and I want you to know
You’ve helped me as I stumble, you’ve helped me as I fall
I have certainly gained from knowing you all.
You’ve taught me to believe, you’ve taught me to trust
You’ve taught me that opening up is a must
You’ve taught me how important it is for me to feel
If scars from the past are to properly heel.
You’ve taught me also to face up and see
How important it is to find out the real me
To discover and allow the good as well as the bad
To understand and accept the happy as well as the sad
But also to know things are rarely just wrong or just right
To accept the shady areas amidst the black and the white
And to know that my strength must come mainly from within
If I’m going to progress and newly begin
I know tat I still have a long way to go
That starting afresh will at times be painful and slow
But with the help that you’ve given, I believe it’s possible to do
So for being there when needed I want to thank you
To all of you who’ve helped me through this low
You’ve been there in my need and I want you to know
You’ve helped me as I stumble, you’ve helped me as I fall
I have certainly gained from knowing you all.
You’ve taught me to believe, you’ve taught me to trust
You’ve taught me that opening up is a must
You’ve taught me how important it is for me to feel
If scars from the past are to properly heel.
You’ve taught me also to face up and see
How important it is to find out the real me
To discover and allow the good as well as the bad
To understand and accept the happy as well as the sad
But also to know things are rarely just wrong or just right
To accept the shady areas amidst the black and the white
And to know that my strength must come mainly from within
If I’m going to progress and newly begin
I know tat I still have a long way to go
That starting afresh will at times be painful and slow
But with the help that you’ve given, I believe it’s possible to do
So for being there when needed I want to thank you
Tuesday 6 January 2009
Somebody who has been helped by Women's Aid
I was married for 16 years to my husband. at first it was fine although when I think now there were signs. he used to make suggestions to me such as choosing my clothes,how I had my hair cut and what I could eat. I was six stone for most of my marrage as he would comment on how fat and ugly I was . He would only allow me to eat one weetabix a day.
After being married for about six months he began to distance me from my family. He would tell me that they werent bothered with me and that they didnt phone although they left messages with him but he would never give them to me. He was very convincing and very good at making me belive whatever he said.
At first he just slapped me or pushed me but then gradually it became more punching, head butting and often would kick me down stairs or pull me by my hair down stairs. My two children often saw most of the violence as much as I tried to protect them. He also raped me on several occasions and this was done in front of my children.
My husband seemed to enjoy the power of control over me as he would often attack me infront of friends we had and over the years we lost many good friends as they found his behaviour unacceptable. And also if they were to try and stop him from hurting me he would become nasty and basicaly tell them to mind their own buisness.
One day I just could not take it any more and it was after he had headbutted me and knocked me out, I woke up in my local accident and emergency. I realised that if I did not get out of this now he was going to kill me. I got home and waited for him to fall asleep. I phoned the local police station and begged them to come, I told them briefly that I was being abused by my husband. Thank god they came out in no time. They took him in to the police station and I pressed charges against him as after the last headbutt I had nine stitches across my eye. He was charged with GBH and was given 100 hours community hours and fined £100. The police introduced me to the local Women's Aid. One of the women workers came to see me as I would not go out of my house. Women's Aid helped me to find a new area to move to with my children. I lived in refuge for a few months and I was then re housed. After much support and counselling through Women's Aid for myself and my children we are now slowly getting our lives back. although the experiences the three of us suffered will never go away each day it becomes a little easier for us as we become stronger. thanks to Women's Aid and the help and support of the local police I now have my life ahead of me and my children can now live without fear. I now live in a different part of the country and my husband has no idea were we live.
After being married for about six months he began to distance me from my family. He would tell me that they werent bothered with me and that they didnt phone although they left messages with him but he would never give them to me. He was very convincing and very good at making me belive whatever he said.
At first he just slapped me or pushed me but then gradually it became more punching, head butting and often would kick me down stairs or pull me by my hair down stairs. My two children often saw most of the violence as much as I tried to protect them. He also raped me on several occasions and this was done in front of my children.
My husband seemed to enjoy the power of control over me as he would often attack me infront of friends we had and over the years we lost many good friends as they found his behaviour unacceptable. And also if they were to try and stop him from hurting me he would become nasty and basicaly tell them to mind their own buisness.
One day I just could not take it any more and it was after he had headbutted me and knocked me out, I woke up in my local accident and emergency. I realised that if I did not get out of this now he was going to kill me. I got home and waited for him to fall asleep. I phoned the local police station and begged them to come, I told them briefly that I was being abused by my husband. Thank god they came out in no time. They took him in to the police station and I pressed charges against him as after the last headbutt I had nine stitches across my eye. He was charged with GBH and was given 100 hours community hours and fined £100. The police introduced me to the local Women's Aid. One of the women workers came to see me as I would not go out of my house. Women's Aid helped me to find a new area to move to with my children. I lived in refuge for a few months and I was then re housed. After much support and counselling through Women's Aid for myself and my children we are now slowly getting our lives back. although the experiences the three of us suffered will never go away each day it becomes a little easier for us as we become stronger. thanks to Women's Aid and the help and support of the local police I now have my life ahead of me and my children can now live without fear. I now live in a different part of the country and my husband has no idea were we live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
