Your Stories – Rhannu Profiad

Chrissie's account:

2010-11-09T02:22:00.000-08:00

I had split from my ex partner in 1997 due to his behaviour towards me when I found out I was pregnant. I took the decision to tell him as I thought it was only fair. It was a shock to me as I had 3 older children and was not intending on increasing the size of my family, after my last child was born my ex husband had a vasectomy due to the problems I encountered during labour.

Once my ex partner found out I was pregnant he didn’t leave me alone or give me time to think. I did go to discuss my options with my GP, it is unlikely that I would have terminated the pregnancy as I have fairly strong feelings about this, however he constantly badgered me about my decision, including letting himself into my house in the early hours of the morning and sitting on the side of my bed watching me, until I became aware he was there before begging me to go through with the pregnancy.

I had my baby son in 1998 and Carl was ecstatic although he desperately wanted a little girl. He eventually moved back into my home in the September of that year, although our relationship was still volatile. He would use every opportunity he could to belittle me or undermine me in front of my older children.

Throughout the course of our relationship he didn’t work as he claimed to be disabled, he would instead come up with ‘business ideas’ that would end up costing us money that we could ill afford. I was working part time until 2003 when our son started school. Carl was never satisfied with anything that we had or did, he always wanted better, during the course of our relationship he owned 9 cars, 3 caravans and started numerous hobbies (including photography and fishing) which cost a fortune as he always had to have the best. As I was the only one working the majority of credit obtained was in my name only and I have been left with significant debts from the relationship.

I didn’t want to work full time as I wished to spend more time with my children but I felt forced into a corner. I have subsequently found out by chance that Carl has told our son that I wasn’t there for him as a baby as I was always working, this is totally untrue but it has been placed in his mind along with other things.

Friends and neighbours were told that I was moody and that I believed I was too good for them and I wondered why they treated me strangely at the time.

He would take my eldest son with him to take rubbish to the local skip etc and whilst they were alone he would try to blame me for the lack of money and the fact that I didn’t want to go out at weekends.He would make the children do chores around the house and then take the credit for it. We would go shopping and he would hide certain items of food etc away from the children as they were ‘his’

He sexually abused me by convincing me I was a prude and not normal and he raped me: This was one of my lowest points. He had pornographic material in the house just lying around. When I asked him to put it away from the children’s reach, he said it was normal for boys to grow up and see such things.

While I was working he would telephone me up to 6 times a day and also call into my place of work. If I was asked out by friends he would cause an argument as I was getting ready so that I would phone my friends, making an excuse not to go or I would be worried all the time I was out.
If any of us did something he didn’t like he would sulk for days and not speak to us, he was like a ticking time bomb.
Early on in the relationship he told me how he had grabbed his ex wife around the throat and held her against the wall during a row, an action he said he regretted. He also told me about beating someone up so severely they ended up in hospital. He held a shotgun licence and was in possession of a shotgun, he also had a fascination for knives and had a police baton.
Our relationship finally broke down in 2005 when he had an affair with a family friend. The split was extremely acrimonious; I took him back several times before deciding enough was enough. In the October of that year during an argument, my eldest son who was 18 at the time stood between us as he was worried for my safety, Carl grabbed him round the throat and pulled back his arm to punch him. My son managed to get out of the way and the police were called. They were anxious to press charges but we had had enough and couldn’t face going through with it, although with hindsight of course we should have.

During the course of the next 2 years he continued to pester me by phone and text. He also sent presents for Christmas, my birthday and Valentines Day; all the time begging me to take him back and telling our son that he still loved me and that I wouldn’t talk to him. He told us that he had no knowledge where the woman he had an affair was and that he was sorry, this was despite the fact that he was actually living with her and her 2 young children and he in fact got her pregnant.

I facilitated contact although I was extremely unhappy about my son being involved with his new partner as she had actively stated while they were having their affair that if the only reason he was staying was because of our son she would fight with him through the courts for residence. He would continually try to change arrangements or have excuses for being late picking up and dropping off.
In 2007 he refused to return our son from a weekend contact saying he was ill. An emergency application was made to the court and he was returned to me 3 days later. The result of this was that we had to attend dispute resolution interviews with Cafcass.
He constantly tried to change arrangements but if our son wanted to attend something he would make it very difficult to swap, necessitating several solicitor's letters to resolve issues. (He receives public funding. I have to pay and this adds to my costs.)

He then made another application for residency which meant yet more intervention from Cafcass. He spoke to them and arranged for our son to see them whilst in his care without my knowledge.

When I was called in I was told that our son (then age 9) had said he was scared of me and his eldest brother and that he wanted to live with his dad. I explained my circumstances to the Cafcass Officer. She then decided to do more follow up work. Until speaking to me she was just going to recommend that he go to live with Carl. After seeing us separately and with our son (her comment when he was with me was that he seemed far more relaxed than when he was with dad), she filed her report, her recommendations were that my son should live with me and have contact with Carl and that there should be no further applications made without the court’s leave until he was 16. We actually ended up with shared residence which works very badly.

I seem to be living my life almost through an interview mirror, My son discloses nothing from when he goes to his dad’s, yet Carl is extremely well informed about my life. However I am constantly accused of ‘grilling’ my son about their life, something I have never done as I’m not interested. It was also apparent that when going for extended contact during the holidays my son would get quite withdrawn before going and claim he had tummy aches etc but I was always advised I had to send him, I believe he was receiving so much emotional pressure from Carl in phone calls and during contact about how much he missed him and how he really couldn’t be happy unless he was with his dad that he dreaded going even though he did want to see his dad.

In 2009 Carl applied for residence yet again. At this time I was suffering from ill health. My son told me that he wanted to go and live with his father and nothing I could say would dissuade him. He wasn’t bothered about not seeing me regularly or his older siblings, or leaving his school and friends. All he was interested in was spending more time with his dad: He said he needed to. It wasn’t that he never saw his dad: He had contact alternate weekends from Thursday until Monday and half the holidays, with telephone calls in between.

I emailed my solicitor and told her that I had let my son go as I couldn’t face the court process or any more bullying. However I ended up deeply regretting my decision and realised I had done exactly what he wanted. Within a week he had changed my son's school without my knowledge or consent.

The first weekend I had contact with my son was horrendous. It was so clear he had been told even more negative things about me and I just couldn’t get through to him. To my deep regret I did lose my temper and say I didn’t think he wanted to be with me at all.
I have had periods of up to a month when I wasn’t allowed to see my son and contact visits have been cancelled. My son will not switch on his mobile phone when he is at his dad’s so I am unable to speak to him. It is my choice not to call him on their landline at a certain time each week as I believed this was incredibly controlling behaviour by my son's father and I have no wish to repeat that behaviour. Sharing residence of your child with your abuser is the worst of all worlds.

Tara's story:

2010-11-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

Having a truly awful time at the moment. Basically I'm being dragged through courts after 5 years of his absence, and it's tearing me apart. He was very abusive and never wanted a child. He was obsessed with me but he never wanted anything to do with Luke.

Anyway he was violent and also very mentally abusive towards me during the time I knew him, but it all had a ring of obsessiveness about it.

I had fallen pregnant after just 3 weeks of knowing him - (I know that sounds bad, I was young and silly) so thought I'd better stay with him. He became abusive quite quickly, but not really properly physical until after I'd given birth - more threats and items thrown while I was pregnant, but then when I'd given birth it got really bad, he had no problem with hurting me whilst Luke was in my arms, it was as if he became possessed or something, it always was so unpredictable.

He had a knife on me on one occasion and locked me in the house for quite a long time on another.
There were lots of different things over the short time I was with him (about a year). I won't go into all the gory details, but you get the picture.

While I was pregnant my granddad died, but just before he passed he gave me an envelope containing £1,000 to start up a savings account for the baby, as his will wouldn't go through until his wife passed, and he knew he was going to die but wanted to do something for my baby. Anyway, I hid the envelope in one of my old photo albums, in a box, under the bed. I hid it really well as I didn't trust my partner because he was terrible with money - he never bought the baby a single thing either when I was pregnant or when he was born, not even a packet of nappies, and he used to take money out of my purse each morning (I hid most of my money but always left £5 as I knew he would hit the roof if there was nothing for him). Anyway, one day when Luke was about 2 months old I went to get the envelope to take it to the bank, and when I got there the envelope was empty. And that was the last straw, that was the day I properly left - from all the things and all the fear something hit me that day, like, you can hurt me but to steal from my baby and my dead granddad is too far.

Something properly clicked and I thought enough is enough if you're going to kill me then do so but I have got to get my child out of here. I packed up our things and went to my mum's.

After I had left, he didn't want to see Luke at all. I tried my best to do the right thing and arranged for my mum to take the baby to meet, but he never turned up, and instead whilst he knew I was home alone he would turn up on my mum's doorstep trying to break the door down, and occasionally just standing at the gate or across the road watching the house.

I phoned the police so many times over the next two months, he stalked me quite badly - two months in which I didn't leave the house, and eventually the police helped me get a new house and advised me to spread the word that I had moved out of the area.

For about the next two years I was frightened of venturing out on my own or with Luke, and still to this day there are certain places that I refuse to go. So so scary.

Anyway, as the police advised I spread word that I had moved (my sister lived in Manchester at the time, I told everybody I was going there and cut pretty much everybody out of my life and started again.)

That was pretty much the end of that. He stopped stalking my mum's house and we didn't hear anything again. Oh there was the odd midnight phone call which my parents received, but only about once a month and that died down.

Then about a year ago, somebody turned up on my mum's doorstep with a court order, demanding my parents go to court and tell them where I live.

So they had to do that, and then I got lots of court orders. About the same week as my first court order I had a fall and went to hospital - they kept me in for 3 weeks, and it turns out I have a shadow on my brain, which they are 90% sure is a brain tumour, but cannot go in and check as it's the centre of my brain.

So my doctors wrote to the courts and told them that I was not well enough to attend and they must put it off until I was in a better situation to be able to deal with it.

Anyway, I actually did go to court about 2 months ago, and I found it so stressful, I collapsed in the court room when he walked in, as I was just so frightened.

The court doesn't understand my fear of him and I am threatened with contempt of court and the possibility of prison if I don't give contact. I was willing to play the game and trust him if, and only if, he held his hands up to everything he's done and admitted it was wrong - because all anyone official says is ''people can change'', but he hasn't done that.

As he was stealing money from me when we were together and had very unpredictable moods, I had my suspicions that he was on drugs - which after I left him I was told he was heavily into. So the court ordered he take a drug test 3 MONTHS AGO, which I found out he hasn't taken.

I now have a really nice close family, a lovely home, and Luke has all the love he needs in my family and my close circle of friends whom I have picked carefully.

I can't handle any of it, I'm finding it really difficult. I worked so hard for Luke and myself, to pick up the pieces and find us a good life and move on, to make everything better, and to give my son the life, the love and the safety he so very much deserves.

Nobody seems to want to listen to me about all the bad things that happened then and the bad things I 100% believe will now happen in the future. I believe my son is still at risk.

But I have got stronger and stronger, I'm just so frustrated now - I am a strong woman. I wasn't while I was with him - I was after - but you know, we learn the hard way and women like us are possibly the strongest you will ever find, we have our moments when someone knocks us down but I'm sure we get up so much stronger than the general person ever could.

It's so scary when you see the news, so often you see children who have been murdered out of spite to the mother who has left the abusive man. I genuinely 10000% believe that he is only doing this to get at me. But people will never take that claim seriously.

Contact is meant to be starting soon and Luke doesn't want it. I couldn't make a few of the first court hearings because of this thing with my health. My ex is trying to use my medical condition against me although it hasn't affected Luke. If anything it makes his life better because I appreciate the small things so much more! I'm not ill all the time, in fact the ONLY thing that makes me ill is stress and anxiety, which is exactly what court and meeting my abuser is doing to me!

Siobhan's story:

2010-10-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

You might say that my abuser isn’t a typical abuser. What I mean is he doesn’t fit the stereotype society holds about domestic violence. In reality there is no “typical abuser” nor is there a “typical victim”. Abusers come from all walks of life, ages, socio-economic classes, races, religions. My abuser was educated and had a wealthy position in society. He wasn’t a yob or a football hooligan. He was a person. Just like you and me.

I met my abuser eight years ago, far away from home and in an extremely vulnerable position. I was an easy target. The mental and emotional manipulation began at once. I was groomed for the role my abuser expected me to fulfil – a subordinate, subservient woman. The web of manipulation is so complex that very few who are not specialised in the field struggle to understand the concept. In my case emotional abuse slowly developed into a chokehold of control. He began so slowly I almost didn’t notice it. I had been taught to ignore my instincts and defer all decisions, opinions, thoughts and feelings to him. I was not even allowed friends.

The degradation is something that haunts me still, even after achieving my freedom. Having food spat all over my face and shirt, being defecated upon, being forced to perform sex acts against my will, being beaten into believing that all I am good for is to service the needs of my abuser . . . the list goes on. The mental scars are hardest to heal. It is difficult to believe that I am a worthwhile person, that I deserve to be treated well. I still find myself fighting inner demons when faced with a £4 t-shirt from Primark or a haircut or a hot bubble bath. My abuser leaves these inner demons with me. He is preying on his next victim while I am left worrying that I do not deserve to treat myself like a human being.

The physical abuse began within a year of the relationship starting. It was so small at first I hardly noticed it. A push turned into a slap, a slap turned into a punch. A punch turned into being dragged down a flight of stairs during pregnancy. That attack turned into chasing me through the house with a knife while my two-week-old baby slept. The intensity of the attacks increased until my abuser raped me and attempted to murder me.

The violence never happened in isolation, it was always followed immediately by emotional manipulation – excuses, blaming me, promises to change, buying me gifts, persuading me to take him back and even convincing me that I had imagined the entire thing. I remember vividly after he tried to kill me he lay stroking my hand and tried to kiss me. He told me he loved me. Then he rolled over and went to sleep almost immediately. I lay there beside him, covered in bruises and tears, listening to his contented snores. In the days that followed he pretended everything was normal, he bought me gifts, he promised to change, he got everyone he knew involved in trying to persuade me he was an amazing husband. But I remember looking into the mirror and seeing myself covered in bruises. I wanted to believe him when he told me I was imagining the bruises. But then other people saw them too: I knew they were really there and no excuses could hide them. At last I knew this relationship wasn’t normal. I knew what I had to do. I was terrified of going into a refuge, but I was far more terrified of staying. I knew that next time he attacked me I may not survive and my child would be left at his mercy, without me there for protection.

Life in a refuge was something I had to take one day at a time. The time it takes to begin recovering from abuse is massive and in most cases takes a lifetime. In refuge I shared a room with my young child and shared the communal living area, kitchen, bathroom and laundry facilities with the other residents. Refuges are charities and funding is not equal for all of the ones that exist. I have positive memories of some refuge staff and friends made there. But I also remember members of staff and residents who made life exceptionally difficult for me. Physically, it was a very old building with an archaic central heating system, which was so expensive to run that residents were only allowed 2 hours a day of hot water and central heating. The walls and windows were paper-thin. I arrived in winter and my child and I spent most of our time freezing cold. My first night I slept fully clothed and in my coat. Every night after that I put 3 blankets over the curtains to try and keep the warmth in. I had no dressing gown or jumpers and spent all of my £75 per week on rent, food and buying warm clothes for my child.

Most refuges are only staffed 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday. I had been in such a place before and knew that I needed far more support than that; otherwise I would go back to my abuser as I had done many times before. If I had not been able to go down to the refuge office in the middle of the night and talk to staff I am certain I would have seriously considered returning to my abuser.

Of all the refuges in my area, the only two offering 24-hour support were 100 miles away. Although I had no idea where I was going I relaxed a little in the knowledge that my abuser would never look in my hiding place. Little did I know that he had already begun court proceedings in an attempt to find and further abuse us.

I was almost immediately thrown into the legal arena with no knowledge of how the legal system worked. Very few solicitors have knowledge of how domestic violence operates, especially from a victim’s perspective. Whilst I was still in refuge I was ordered by a court to travel 3 hours to hearings and the same to facilitate child contact, all funded out of my own money – of which I had very little. Our abuser employed the same manipulation and lies to the court that he had used with me – and they believed his every word. So much so that they refused to even investigate the Domestic Violence, let alone the impact it had had upon my child. The legal system and all those professionals around me were dancing to the abuser’s tune. Nothing I could do or say would convince them otherwise. I looked to MPs and organisations for support and found none. Fewer people understood Domestic Violence and Abuse than I realised. I felt like an ant trying to climb Mount Everest. Why did no-one understand what was going on or think about the effects of this upon my child?

My life progressed as the legal situation intensified. I left refuge and rented a new house, my child began school, my recovery progressed, and I met a new partner. My child experienced, and still does to this day, massive behavioural issues. They range from tantrums, nightmares, night–waking, early rising, sleep disruption and toilet issues to violent episodes and controlling behaviour. These behaviours are a constant challenge to this day and are always considerably worse after contact with our abuser.

In the legal arena I was awarded residency, yet our abuser continued to abuse my child at contact, something that intensified massively. Abuse ranged from neglect, emotional, mental, and physical abuse or a combination of all of them at any given time. It was obvious to me that my child was suffering immensely. I was constantly worried about the effect of contact upon my child yet a court never took me seriously. I raised the issue many times. My abuser's opinion was always the one that took precedence over mine in the legal setting.

I eventually chose to rent a home with my new partner and child. This meant that I was no longer entitled to Legal Aid. Our joint income was judged to be above the stringent allowances set out by the awarding body. This is a heartbreaking paradox as paying for our own legal representation means that we are living in poverty. My partner and I lie awake every night worrying about where we will find the money for school meals, school uniform, birthdays and Christmas presents. The legal bill for the past 3 months alone is something we will be paying off for the next 12 months. A terrifying thought indeed when we have more court appearances scheduled. It frustrates us that a court cannot see that a man who loves his child would not put his child through this.

After one year of fighting for the impact of Domestic Abuse on my child to be investigated I am only now beginning to have the existence of the abuse acknowledged.

Claire's story:

2010-10-20T06:27:00.000-07:00

In June 1998 I met the most wonderful man of my life. I already had 3 children, 2 to my first relationship and 1 to a man that didn’t hang around to see his child grow up. I had been sterilized as I didn’t want any more children.

My husband to be, who I married in 1999, was a kind caring considerate gentleman. He adopted my 3rd child, loved and cared for him like a Daddy does. It was the sense of security he gave me and my 3 children that made us talk of having my sterilization reversed.

In October 2001 my husband kept coming home from work with talk of a female colleague. I trusted him and never thought anything of it, until a month later he came home acting strange, was very quiet and I found evidence on his underwear that something had happened. I questioned my husband, who denied anything and said he could not explain what I had found. I found myself believing him as he was a wonderful husband.

In February 2002 I had my reversal and fell pregnant straight away. In January 2003 I gave birth to a boy. We were very happy and content and my husband treated his first born no different to my third child whom he had adopted. In September 2003 I gave birth to a girl and life was amazing.

I was a stay-at-home mummy and wife. I did everything: looked after all 5 of the children, school run, homework, cooking, cleaning and shopping. My husband worked full-time and played with the children, took them to the park played football with the older ones while I had the 2 younger ones at home.

In 2006 I wanted to work a few hours a week and put in for my driving test. My husband’s attitude started changing a little. I felt I no longer had a say. I wanted to work 12 hours a week and he wanted me to work 8 hours a week. The company I wanted to take my driving lessons with was not the company my husband chose for me.

After passing my test in April 2006 I applied for a job in caring in the community. My employer came to my home and interviewed me, while my husband was present. My husband stressed at my interview he only wanted me to work 8 hours a week as I had children to look after. I knew I could do more hours and still keep up with the upbringing of the children, cook, clean and do shopping.

In August 2007 my husband became controlling over the way the children should be raised to the point he was getting over-strict with my 3rd child. This was becoming a strain on the marriage and also the fact I was working and had taken more hours on. I was now working 12 hours a week, not letting anything slip at home. I was coping very well with work; doing a NVQ2 in health and social care; caring for the children, the home and my husband. I was very proud of my achievements. My husband was showing different signs. He wasn’t proud of me, hardly ever said I was doing well as he used to say; the cuddles became less and the I love you on a daily basis had disappeared.

In October 2007 I decided it was time to learn how to use a computer as this is how I got notification of my shifts. My employer had been emailing them to me since I started work and my husband printed them off for me.

My husband always said he was too busy to teach me the basics from our home computer which by this time my husband spent all his spare time on. He had stopped playing with the children.

My sister who lived down the road helped me instead. She was on a lot of sites and introduced me to a site called netlog, where you chat to other people and I made my own profile. It was great. Before I hadn’t even known how to turn a computer on and off. I was asked to put my email address in to set this site up. I didn’t know my password. I didn’t even know I had to have a password.

That night I asked for my email details from my husband and told him I could now turn the computer on and off and I could look at my shifts when they came through. He gave me the details.

When the children were in bed and my husband was working a late shift I used the computer. This was the only time I could because as soon as my husband came home he would be on the computer.
I started chatting to family members on msn and found this a whole new way of communicating.

I found some of my friends were on netlog and chatted to them, adding people I didn’t know as well, just for the chat as I didn’t get much chat from my husband.

In January 2008 my husband went onto my emails and found I was on the site and started to accuse me. I was annoyed as he was on Facebook, which I had never seen and knew nothing about. I didn’t accuse him of anything even though he too was on social networking sites.

I didn’t realize until later that my husband had set up an account online with my mobile phone which I used for work - which showed all phone calls I was making - and he rang one of my work colleagues because it was a number he didn’t recognize.

My husband decided to come clean about the colleague several years before and told me something had happened. I was distraught and took an overdose. Realising how stupid and foolish I had been, I decided to put it all behind me and concentrate on my marriage; forget what had happened several years before; my marriage was more important. I came off the netlog site. My husband carried on with Facebook.

Somehow I ended up under his spell again and he invited another woman into the bedroom. I could not go through with it and left him to it. This was in March 2008. The act carried on for 2 hours and I didn’t bat an eyelid. I was unsure whether I loved him or not.

By this time my husband had become emotionally abusive to my 3rd child. I decided to have a solicitor’s letter sent to him to the matrimonial home that was in joint names, for him to move out for 6 months to see if we could reconcile the marriage after we’d had some space.

He went for 6 weeks and then moved back in; sleeping in the bed while I slept on the sofa. The arguments were too intense however, affecting all the children. We both decided to have a chat to work out what would be best for the children, and it was agreed I would move to my sister’s. The older two children were living with their dad at this point, and it was agreed I would take my 3rd child with me and the youngest two children would stay at home in their familiar surroundings, with me visiting daily.

I thought that whatever happened between me and my husband I would end up back in my home, this is what we spoke of; and I was told by my solicitor that it was my house also and he couldn’t stop me moving back, since my husband had been able to do this after our earlier 6 weeks’ separation.

After a couple of weeks this plan was not working. My husband was very secretive and always had his mother there. His mother became verbally abusive to me. I decided to move back. I was faced with blackmail from my husband - this was in regard to things from my past I had confided in him because I had trusted him; and there were things that could have destroyed family members whom I loved.

My husband and his mother called the police and said I was abusing them on the doorstep. This was untrue. The police turned up and turned me away, even though it was equally my house! Now I felt helpless and hopeless and had no help from the law. I tried three times in the space of 3 months to gain entry to my home, still to be faced with the same.

All confidence had been knocked out of me. After settling for contact for 18 months and having counselling for 6 months, I finally have courage and confidence to fight for residency.

Now I have applied for residency, my husband is saying I am mentally insane and is making me have supervised contact with my two youngest children until I have been assessed, even though I have brought up two grown up children successfully with no questions about my parenting.

This is how it has been for 2 years: obstacles and barriers continually put in the way of seeing my children, to make me do what he wants.

Domestic Abuse and the World Cup

2010-08-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

I was very disturbed to read the recent figures released by Surrey Police which showed a huge increase in domestic violence during the World Cup. The worst day was when England drew with Algeria in the group stage of the tournament, with the number of domestic abuse incidents increasing nearly 61% compared to the same day a week before.

We can assume that this pattern was repaeated up and down the country. Big international football tournaments and drinking are known to be linked but we also know that an increase in domestic abuse is also linked to these events. This is completely unacceptable and just shows how much work we still have to do to make people understand that domestic abuse is completely unaccceptable.

It's vital that we continue to ensure that anyone who needs help getting out of a violent relationship knows that there are specialist services available. Although the World Cup has highlighted the problem, domestic violence happens throughout the year. This cowardly crime causes victims to lose their self-esteem and confidence, becoming isolated and even more vulnerable, and it is vital that whatever month, week or day is is they know they're not alone and help is available.

Early Day Motion

2009-07-02T03:29:00.000-07:00

I recently received the below message to highlight an Early Day Motion that has been tabled in Westminster recently:

"Coventry Rape Crisis have managed to get an Early Day Motion tabled asking the government to provide core funding for all 38 Rape Crisis Centres throughout the country. This is a real chance to secure funding for the whole country. Coventry Rape Crisis have been lobbying MPs to sign up and their view is that if constituents have not approached them about the issue, then they won't - so please write to your MP and let them know you want them to add their name. It really does make a difference. You can find your MP's details here: http://www.theyworkforyou.com/

Ask them to sign Early Day Motion 1604 http://edmi.parliament.uk/EDMi/EDMDetails.aspx?EDMID=38782&SESSION=899

Thank-you everyone."

One Wales Government Consultation

2009-06-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

Last week the One Wales Government launched a consultation on domestic abuse. It is important that a proper strategy is in place in Wales to deal with domestic violence and that’s why I welcome the launch of this consultation. Domestic abuse takes many forms in our society, and it is vital that the strategy recognises this. Therefore it is important that people from all walks of life, with experience of domestic abuse take part in the consultation process, and have their say.
It is a positive step that the Welsh government is developing a Wales specific strategy, designed to fit Welsh needs in terms of domestic abuse. However I am concerned that this strategy doesn’t address violence against women specifically. Scotland already has a violence against women strategy in place and one is currently being developed in England. I am concerned that without such a strategy in place, women in Wales will miss out on vital help and support. I will be raising these issues with the Minister in order to impress upon him the need to develop this strategy into one that addresses the issues faced by women specifically.

It is important that we have a proper strategy in place to deal with these issues in Wales. We need to empower people to speak out and get the support they need. I am hopeful that the strategy will play an important role in stopping the cycle of violence. This consultation document highlights how a Christmas advertising campaign led to an increase in calls to the helpline. By developing an effective strategy we can ensure that successful initiatives like this are improved upon and repeated.

Nerys

The Purple Directory

2009-06-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know about a new service directory for domestic abuse that has been launched across Dyfed- Powys. The website www.thepurpledirectory.org is now live in 3 languages - Welsh, English and Polish.

If you have an opportunity please tell other people about the website.

Thanks,
Nerys

Domestic Abuse Guide launched

2009-06-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

Recently I was involved with the a launch of a new guide that informs Assembly Members what they should do if they are approached by a constituent experiencing domestic abuse. This is a initiative from the Welsh Government and the Minister for Social Justice Dr. Brian Gibbons explained that this guide will enable Assembly Members to help constituents that may be suffering domestic abuse.

We as Assembly Members and politicians in general have a role to play to support victims of domestic abuse through our casework and this guide will help us to do that. If you are suffering from domestic abuse and don’t know where to go for help you can get in touch with your local AM .

Amnesty UK

2009-03-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

I’d just like to tell you about some of the work Amnesty UK has been doing recently to mark International Women’s Day.

Firstly, I'd like to draw your attention to the following fact:
‘Each year, around 1 in 10 women in Britain experience rape or other violence. One in four local authorities leave female victims of violence without the specialised support they need’.

This is certainly shocking and that's why the work Amnesty UK has been doing recently to draw attention to this statistic is so important. To highlight this Amnesty UK urged thousands of people on Facebook, Myspace and Twitter to update their avatars and statuses at 1:10 on Friday 6th March.

The status update was: Each year, 1 in 10 women in Britain experience rape or other violence. Act now. http://www.oneten.org.uk/.

On Twitter, they asked members to change their profile picture to their avatar and use #1in10 to spread the message. They’ve also been directing everyone to http://www.mapofgaps.org/ where you can see which services are missing in your local area. All the information on the campaign is available at http://oneten.org.uk/ .

I would urge you to have alook at the information and see which services are lacking in your area and then write to your local MP or Assembly Member to highlight the issue.

Thanks,
Nerys

Help is available

2009-02-12T06:34:00.000-08:00

you have my consent to using my story in publicity materials a nd resources. If it wasnt for welsh womens aid and an other womens aid organisation i know i wouldnt be the person that i am today. I hope my story helps in some way or gives the readers strength in getting through what they might be experiencing in their lives at the moment and for them to hang on in there, with whatever choices they decide, there is always light at the end of the tunnel,. even if you cannot see it right now. I was 17 when i met my partner, he was much older than me. Things were good for the first few years. When i had my daughter who is now 13 things changed. Looking back i couldnt see what was happening to me or things going on around me. I think to m yself at times,. i am the person that i am today , because of what i experienced and i became the strong assertive person that i am. Things took a turn for the worse after my second child was born, As we do, i put up with the abuse, violence, possesiveness my confidence and self esteem crumbled bit by bit until i hit rock bottom. The turning point was boxing day , 6 years ago now. Drunk as usual , he hit out at me, my youngest then nearly 5 saw him, and tried to protect me!. That was the day i got up , i was their mother i am the one that protects them! and left my life with this man behind!. I moved into a refuge , but in the same town as their father. I thought things would improve , but he would hound me , watch out for me , it go so bad that i made the decision to move far far away from my family and the place i grew up in, to a place i didnt know, or have any friends. Welsh womens Aid and other agencies helped me so much, i cannot thank them enough. After 5 months living in a refuge the three of us moved into our new home in yet another new town, Things were difficult, adapting to being in a new area, kids adapting to a new school yet again, and making new friends. At times i thought i cant do this anymore i just wanted to go home, yes and at times thought it might be easier to go back! but knew in my heart it wasnt what was right for me or my children. Womens aid were marvellous!! from supporting me with court cases to helping me with the children. Every day was a battle but i knew i could do it! believe in yourselves, dont let what you have gone through destroy the rest of your life? dont be a victim!!! Over the next couple of years i plucked up the courage with the help of womens aid - support groups, assertiveness classes, freedom programme, parenting puzzle, and eventually i did a womens aid volunteer training course which helped me enoromously with people and social skills again, to liking myself again and to realising nothing was my fault! three years on i am now engaged to be married to a wonderful wonderful man, we are in the process of building our own huose together, and own a successful business where we employ over 10 people. The children have settled down so well and are very happy! Thank you to welshwomens Aid for the support they gave me and my children and for all the people who are out there and experiencing domestic issues - dont give up on yourself!!!! talk to someone, there is help out there!

Women’s Institute No More Violence Against Women Campaign

2009-01-29T02:11:00.000-08:00

The National Federation of Women’s Institutes has launched a new research project with Bristol University comparing and contrasting violence against women in rural and urban settings. It is hoped that the findings will help to tackle the stereotyping that for example, violence against women does not happen in rural areas and if it does, it’s only domestic violence. Hopefully it will also show what kind of support services are needed.

If you have an opportunity I would urge you to take part in the online survey which can be completed from the following link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=_2boN6N_2fdbHbhJ0gVoWqN4vA_3d_3d

The deadline for completed surveys is 14 February 2009 with the results of the research being launched in Spring 2009.

For further information about the No More Violence Against Women Campaign please visit http://thewi.org.uk/campaigns or contact the NFWI-Wales Office on 029 2022 1712.

Thanks,
Nerys

'Help is available'

2009-01-27T03:54:00.000-08:00

"Me and my children were involved in domestic abuse. Carmarthen Women's Aid Floating Support have helped us as a family unit, providing support in the community. Funding is essential for this cause other people in crisis can be helped."

A mother's story

2009-01-13T03:19:00.000-08:00

I met my husband 10.5 years ago when I was vulnerable, single mum with 2 children 5& 6 years old. I knew him as he worked for my father at the time. He would come round and offer to put up shelves or wire in a fish pond for me. Then he would come around every other night just after I had put my children to bed. He said he had just come away from a long term relationship & he did not talk about it. He was most charming and a really thoughtful loving guy at first. One thing let to another and we became an item and quickly moved him self in with us little by little.

2 years on, we bought a house together based on my wages as he was on long term Incapacity Benefit. We did a lot of renovations to the house. That’s all what we seem to do, was work on the house. My partner then would lose his temper at the slightest thing and throw what ever he had to hand at me, each time causing me to bleed and bruise badly.

We got married in September 2004 after a short engagement of 3 months and I was recovering from an operation. I had been unwell for some time and my health was still deteriorating, but still carried on in work. My husband wanted us to get married as he feared he would lose me and wanted to marry me so he would be legal guardian of my children and to adopt them as his.

Soon after our marriage my husbands temper and mood swings became more frequent and lasted longer. I started to keep a diary of what he subjected us to and how often it was happening and for how long he would subject us to it. My husband would get so angry at the slightest thing he would race around the house like a bull in a china shop, with rage and his eyes popping out of his head. Whilst he did this he would subject us to verbal abuse which was so vile it stayed in my mind. He would go round and smash things, usually my things not his. He would call me everything from Frigid, to fucking hoare, slag, slapper and all I was good for was fucking and house work. He would then accuse me of having an affair because I could not show him any affection when he was subjecting us to this.

He destroyed every birthday my daughter had for the past 3 years, from throwing her birthday cake in the bin, throwing verbal abuse at us which then led to interigating me and intimidating me until the early hours of the morning. The children stayed out the way upstairs in their bedrooms, but would hear everything.
He would physically stop my daughter from going to work, or block the gates to stop her coming home with masonary stone. The kids could not go anywhere unless I dropped them off and picked them up at certain times. This also isolated me from friends and a life.

We went on holiday in Cyprus which I paid for,August 2006 and lasted only 3 days and I had to pay for tickets to come home early because he kicked off over their and attacked a member off staff. He left us at the hotel with all our passports and returned an hour later, demanding Cypriot money. He then stayed and locked us in the hotel room for 24 hrs without food and drink and in the dark. He then subjected my daughter to keeping her head down looking at the floor from the hotel to the airport and throughout our journey home, wearing a jumper in the boiling hot weather. Once home, he stormed into the house and went upstairs to my daughters bedroom and tore it apart. Took her mobile phone and broke it, and stole the sim card, then subjected her to interrogation. We were all terrified, I could not stop him however hard I tried. I was too scared to do anything or ask for help. I could not show my husband any affection for months. He would break down in tears and lock himself away in the bedroom, pleading with me and apologising.

He attacked my son in a car park of a shopping centre whilst onlookers were watching. He hit him so hard it knocked him off his feet. My husbands explanation was that he had tooth ache. I prayed that someone would come to our rescue but no one did. We were terrified.

The mental abuse we had was written signs placed on door saying “keep out all you fucker”. He turned the electric off to the house and only kept the lounge with electric so he was the only one that could watch tv. He also turned all the thermostats off the radiators so the house was freezing, and blamed us for breaking the boiler. He had also altered the central heating pipework and refused to reconnect it for weeks, resulting in us freezing during winter and also having to have cold showers. He would drive the car so fast and swerve the car when his is in a rage that we would shut our eyes and hold on to the seat.
He held me in a corner of the kitchen waving a knife at me, telling me that I would have to be quicker than him to take the knife from him.

Last Christmas was exceptionally traumatic. We had been working on the house trying to get the lounge finished for xmas and eventually succeeded late xmas eve. Christmas day was sheer hell, he was verbally aggressive and abusive and shut him self away again in the bedroom. I took the kids out to spend their money the day after boxing day and left him behind in the bedroom because he did not want to come. We were only out 2 hours. We got back and he was still upstairs. The kids were happy with what they had bought. I went to see my husband upstairs and he pretended to be asleep so came back down. Next minute he came down stairs throwing abuse at me and my daughter came down stairs. He told her to get his phone. He bought my daughter a new phone after he broke hers in 2006. She gave it to him, he took the sim out and threw it outside and told her she was not having his phone. I told him to go and get it and how childish he was. He just stood there and verbally abused us. The kids went outside to find the sim card whilst I satyed and asked him why!. He could not give me a reason. He verbally attacked my daughter when she came through the door with her sim card. So she mouthed back at him. He launched himself at her and pushed her so she fell backwards onto the sofa. She got up and answered him back and he attacked her. He hit her so hard his hand print was across her face and again fell backwards onto the floor. My son and myself tried to stop him and he went to punch my son as well. The kids went upstairs and I stay and scream at him whilst crying. His explanation was he thought I was having an affair. I race upstairs and start throwing my clothes out of the wardrobe only for him to follow and try to put them back in. I told him I have no life, I don’t go anywhere, he does not take me anywhere so whats the point in having clothes. I left him there and told the kids to get in the car as we are going. We ended up in a supermarket carpark and me phoning his sister and I told her. I only regret that I did not drive to the police station and report him there and then.

His apologises don’t mean anything any more because a few days later he does something else to us and blames us for the way he is.

The next 6 months are more extreme with his intimidation, interigating, controlling and abuse in every aspect.

For the last 4 weeks my husband would get up go to work and not return until after midnight, then he would sleep on the sofa. Only twice he came home by 7 pm and then he would continue to ignore us and lock himself under the stairs on the computer all night. At the end of June this year I made a fatal mistake of asking my husband why he was doing this and if he was going to join me in the lounge. I shut the door on him when he threw verbal obsenities at me. He did join me in the lounge, with a bottle of brandy and bottle of cava and proceeded to mix the two together and drink. I left him to it as I had, had enough of his vile words he was throwing at me. 2 hours later me came into the bedroom and held me down and raped me. I only wish I had heard the door open.

My husband had threatened us with burning the house down with us in it if we ever told any one or reported him to the police. I reported him to the police 18 months ago and told him I am divorcing him. He stopped me. I filed for a divorce twice since that and stopped it for fear of what he would do to us. There is so much more he subjected us to, to mention. But all is horrific, and I wish I had never met him.

I reported him to the police a day later once I knew he was in work. I told them everything he had subjected us to and they arrested him. My children and myself gave video evidence. My husband was released on bail and stayed on bail for 9 weeks for rape. He walked free for raping me as marital rape is hard to prove. My husband lied all through his interview and he walked free for what he did. He was then interviewed for what he did to the kids and placed back on bail lasting 3 weeks and again walked free from that. Explanation was it is 3 days outside 6 months of his last physical abuse towards the kids.

The law in this country is a joke. There is a lot of publicity about domestic violence but still nothing is done to convict these abusers and they go on to do it to someone else.

Needless to say we have been shunned by friends and family, and they have sided with him. What they don’t see is the person he really is. I am fighting back and telling everyone the truth. My husband has done this to his last girlfriend. I only found out 6 weeks ago when I found a file in the loft, whilst clearing his stuff out. It was the cps evidence of statements ready for court case for affray and ABH. It was frightening what he did to her. The frightening thing about this is that he made his move on us whilst the court case was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and I never knew. He is such a good liar and actor he never let on or showed any emotion for me to suspect anything!

Womens aid have been brilliant in every way. I don’t think I would have got through this without them. And going through the freedom program has just made me realise that all of the signs were there from the start of our relationship, but I did not see it. And he did do a lot of the above before we married, but I was blind in love and thought he would change. But it got worse, and we are still paying for it now. We have a non molestation order and occupancy order in place to keep him away from us, but that has not stopped him. You still need proof he is doing these things in the eyes of the law. I am disgusted with the law and the way we have been treated throughout by the police.

A poem that was passed on to me through Women's Aid

2009-01-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

Pause and Reflect
To all of you who’ve helped me through this low
You’ve been there in my need and I want you to know
You’ve helped me as I stumble, you’ve helped me as I fall
I have certainly gained from knowing you all.
You’ve taught me to believe, you’ve taught me to trust
You’ve taught me that opening up is a must
You’ve taught me how important it is for me to feel
If scars from the past are to properly heel.
You’ve taught me also to face up and see
How important it is to find out the real me
To discover and allow the good as well as the bad
To understand and accept the happy as well as the sad
But also to know things are rarely just wrong or just right
To accept the shady areas amidst the black and the white
And to know that my strength must come mainly from within
If I’m going to progress and newly begin
I know tat I still have a long way to go
That starting afresh will at times be painful and slow
But with the help that you’ve given, I believe it’s possible to do
So for being there when needed I want to thank you

Somebody who has been helped by Women's Aid

2009-01-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

I was married for 16 years to my husband. at first it was fine although when I think now there were signs. he used to make suggestions to me such as choosing my clothes,how I had my hair cut and what I could eat. I was six stone for most of my marrage as he would comment on how fat and ugly I was . He would only allow me to eat one weetabix a day.

After being married for about six months he began to distance me from my family. He would tell me that they werent bothered with me and that they didnt phone although they left messages with him but he would never give them to me. He was very convincing and very good at making me belive whatever he said.

At first he just slapped me or pushed me but then gradually it became more punching, head butting and often would kick me down stairs or pull me by my hair down stairs. My two children often saw most of the violence as much as I tried to protect them. He also raped me on several occasions and this was done in front of my children.

My husband seemed to enjoy the power of control over me as he would often attack me infront of friends we had and over the years we lost many good friends as they found his behaviour unacceptable. And also if they were to try and stop him from hurting me he would become nasty and basicaly tell them to mind their own buisness.

One day I just could not take it any more and it was after he had headbutted me and knocked me out, I woke up in my local accident and emergency. I realised that if I did not get out of this now he was going to kill me. I got home and waited for him to fall asleep. I phoned the local police station and begged them to come, I told them briefly that I was being abused by my husband. Thank god they came out in no time. They took him in to the police station and I pressed charges against him as after the last headbutt I had nine stitches across my eye. He was charged with GBH and was given 100 hours community hours and fined £100. The police introduced me to the local Women's Aid. One of the women workers came to see me as I would not go out of my house. Women's Aid helped me to find a new area to move to with my children. I lived in refuge for a few months and I was then re housed. After much support and counselling through Women's Aid for myself and my children we are now slowly getting our lives back. although the experiences the three of us suffered will never go away each day it becomes a little easier for us as we become stronger. thanks to Women's Aid and the help and support of the local police I now have my life ahead of me and my children can now live without fear. I now live in a different part of the country and my husband has no idea were we live.

Support is available for domestic abuse victims over the Christmas period

2008-12-23T04:09:00.000-08:00

I was pleased to see a new enforcement campaign to protect and support victims of domestic violence over the Christmas period being launched recently by the home secretary Jacqui Smith. A new advertising campaign to highlight the hidden issue of domestic abuse was also revealed. The advert shows a woman celebrating with people around her singing “when we get behind closed doors” with the strap line ‘Don’t suffer in silence’.
As figures show an increase in domestic violence over the festive season this enforcement campaign encourages increased police-led activity in higher risk areas during seasonal peaks. This will include: innovative tactics such as the use of body-worn video cameras by police; dedicated Domestic Abuse response vehicles; increased frontline policing and more specialist advice for those officers at scenes of domestic abuse; identification and targeting of the ten highest risk perpetrators in each area– to include proactive bail checks based on intelligence and data; and Identification through Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conferences of the ten highest risk victims in each area. This is all excellent news and I applaud the work being carried out to highlight this issue.
Christmas is a time for families to come together and celebrate. But for victims of domestic abuse it can be a time of fear and trauma. For anyone who is suffering over the Christmas period I want to highlight the fact that support is available for victims during the next few weeks. I would urge anyone who is suffering in this way to contact the 24 hour, free and confidential Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.

This story was passed on to me from a lady in rural Wales....

2008-12-23T03:26:00.000-08:00

" I was being abused for years, but I didn't recognise it as such. I was not allowed to wear what I wanted when I went out. For example, in the summer I couldn't wear a T-shirt or thin cotton top unless I also put on a baggy cardigan several sizes too large which obscured my shape. In time, I accepted that my figure must be repulsive and automatically bought and wore shapeless, unattractive clothes in dull colours that would not draw attention to myself.

At one time, when cash was short, I went out to work. He was unemployed at that time and so, of course, able to drop in on my place of work to see me. I realize now that he was checking up on me, to see that I was behaving correctly. On one occasion I was helping a deaf boy half my age. That night he subjected me to such a tirade of anger that I was shaking and had to promise that I wouldn't show such attention to anyone again.

Mostly, I was not allowed to go out on my own, but had to be accompanied by him or one of his awful relatives, usually his mother. When I did go out on my own I had to account to him for every moment: where I went, who I saw, who spoke to me, etc.

He never laid a finger upon me for many years. He didn't have to. Domestic abuse is all about power and control, and he could control me completely without the use of violence. But then I inherited a sum of money, which he began spending on alcohol, and would get drunk most nights. It was then that he began hitting me. I put up with this for several years, and never told anyone anything about it, as I was ashamed. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to, and I didn't have the mental strength to do anything about it: it was as though I was numb and unable to function properly.

Then one night he beat me up so badly that something inside me snapped. I knew that if I continued to stay with him he would end up killing me. So while he went to the bathroom to relieve himself I struggled to the phone, dialled 999, and begged the police to come and rescue me. They came and took me away to a Women's Aid refuge in town, as my husband had disappeared out of the back door when they arrived.

Later, I learnt that he had finally been found and arrested. Much to my disgust, he was given a suspended sentence by the court, so that I was unable to return to my home. But after some time at the refuge while I got my finances sorted, I eventually found a little place of my own. I now live alone, many miles from my old home, under a new name; but I still live in fear that one day he will find me and finish what he started.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what has happened to me. After years of emotional and physical abuse I was a non-person: a zombie just going through the motions of living. But I attended the Freedom Programme, run by Women's Aid, and there learnt all about domestic abuse, which helped me tremendously. I was also able to take advantage of the counselling service available through Women's Aid. Now, I have my personality again, and self-confidence, and have recovered from the depression which I suffered from for a long time. I look forward to the future. "

'This is my story' - this was given to me through Welsh Women's Aid

2008-12-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

Hi This is my story. I would prefer to be anonymous. I haven't really been helped by your organisation as when I was being abused, I didnt really realise what was happening. I was diagnosed with Colitis when I was in my first year at Swansea Uni. I had been really sick and was rushed into hospital. I had been losing weight for weeks, but just put it down to my busy scgedule at uni but then i collapsed and my flatmates foned an ambulance. Anyway, I had to have pretty mjor surgery and doctors even thought they may have to take my bowel away. Luckily they didnt but I had some pretty nasty scars where I had abscesses and had to go to the doctors regularly to get them dressed. I felt ugly, and I was always conscious about meeting guys on nights out. My friends were really supportive and one of friends from my course invited me to a house party the were having. Thats where I met this man. He was my friend's housemate and, by all accounts, a pretty nice guy. He made an effort to talk to me and he made me laugh - which I hadnt done in a while. Anyway, we began seeeing mire and more of each other and eventually we strated dating. I realise now, That's when everyhting started to change. He didnt like me going out all night with my girlfriends and he used to make sure I was back by a certan time so he could come round and spend the night. It is only now that I realise that he was trying toc ontrol me. Then he started making snidey comments like he wished je was dating a chav "cos they put out" (I had made a point of not sleeping with him as I had been used by guys in the past). When we did eventually sleep toegther he belittled me and made me feel like I was disgusting. He said he didn't enjoy our sex and he tried to make me do things I didnt want to do. I got so upset one night that his housemate knocjed on the door cos he could hear me crying. The worst thing was when I had to go to the doctor for regualr blood tests and checkups - he used to refuse to come with me, even tho he knew i was petrified of the doctor - and he used to say that my illness wasn't a real illness and i was just making things up to get sypathy. I used to think he was joking but i realise niw he was wittling away at my self esteem. Anyway, the relationship ended pretty badly, 5 months later. And, although it wasnt me who ended it (I was pretty upset when he did cos it just made me feel even uglier than he had already made me!) I realise now what could have happened it i had stayed with him. I wanted to tell you my story so that you can use it to show other young girls in the same situation as me that, even they're not hitting you - it can still be domestic abuse and the best thing that anyone in that situation can do, is to leave! The syaing goes "sticks and stones ma break my bones but names will never hurt me". I disagree with this, the name calling can be just as bad as the hitting and the kicking - it eats you away from the inside and thats when things can sometimes feel as if its not worth it! Thank you for listening :)

A Mid Wales woman tells her story….

2008-12-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago I was married a man who did everything in his power to hurt me mentally, financially, physically, and sexually. I was with him for over 5 years and everything was fine for the first two years but things started to gradually change.
Before I met him I had started a business, and he tried everything to stop me making a success of that business. It seemed the better I did with my business, the more controlling he became.He then started to ignore any bills that came in which meant that I had to pay everything. He then started to ignore me and when he did speak to me he’d just call me names. One night I woke up with him shouting at me for no reason. He couldn’t explain why he was shouting at me and this scared me so I’d just accept that it was my fault and at times I actually believed that I must have done something to annoy him.
I then started to sleep in a separate room to him because I would always be so tired. This of course made him even more angry which resulted in him hitting me on several occasions. I tried to ignore it and poured all my energy into my business. The more I did the more ugly it got. It ended after I finally called the police after he smashed my office equipment, and hurt me.
I got a restraining order and had the police remove him. My divorce was just signed this month. It has been difficult to get my life back to normal but I am trying. I’m just glad that I got out of there when I did.

A Cardiff woman tells her story

2008-11-27T06:55:00.000-08:00

I’m 24 years of age and I’m starting to get my life back on track. It all started a few years ago when I started dating this guy. You'd never think that he would be capable of abuse. Everybody who met him thought he was a nice guy and he was also very short. We soon moved in together and slowly things started to change. At first it was small things like pushing me and getting annoyed about the smallest thing. When I got my first job at the local shop he suddenly became very violent: he started pulling my hair and punching me. The violence came out of nowhere sometines and I was instantly shattered by the horrific abuse.
After a few months I was a wreck and drinking heavily which meant I soon lost my job. It seemed that the beatings would go on for hours but this was my life. I’d accept everything he’d say. If something went wrong it was my fault. One day he was late for work and was given a row by his boss. When he came home he beat me up saying that I was to blame for him being late that morning. I soon made friends with a woman who moved in to the house next door and who could hear everything that was going on in our house. She soon made me realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse which was something that hadn’t entered my head before that. I suppose I thought that this was normal.
If it wasn’t for her I’d probably still be living with him. Although I’ve now left him and the support I’ve received has been fantastic I still have permanent problems with nightmares, intimacy and of course the physical scars. It’s not easy getting away but there is help out there.

Latest on the proposed WAG Christmas campaign

2008-11-07T04:46:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I told you that Brian Gibbons, Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, promised me during Ministerial scrunity in the Culture and Communities committee that the Welsh Assembly Government would fund a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign in the run up to Christmas. During the latest Communities and Culture committee this week I asked him for an update and again everything sounds very positive from the Government side of things. Although the nature of the campaign has not been revealed to me fully he did say that the Government are planning to hold one event in north Wales and another in south Wales to highlight the issue. As well as these events there will be an advert campaign but further details aren’t clear as of yet. I will of course keep you posted.

Nerys

A story I received this morning which shows how domestic abuse has an effect on the lives of everybody within a family

2008-11-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

I am a 41 yr old single mum to three children, two girls and a boy, now teenagers. We were living with domestic abuse from my husband, father of the three children and and this continued even after he had gone. Possibly the worst abuse then being emotional to the children, via text message and even e-mail and financial abuse of us all. He left us with no money, made me redundant from the company we had set up together in which I had supported him for 12 years and prior to that redundancy he was actually taking my pay at source for which I had to undertake proceedings. Even when he agreed to settle he repaid me the monies owed by selling a vehicle that I had bought from a personal loan-I still have the loan currently. He had however registered the vehicle in his own name; there was nothing I could do.

I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,

A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.

He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.

I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.

I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.

The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.

The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.

I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.

Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!

A poem that was sent to me today

2008-10-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

I got flowers

We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.

Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today……

A thirty year old woman's account of domestic violence

2008-10-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

I wondered if I could post my story, to raise awareness of the difficulties surrounding domestic violence and how easy it is for someone to get caught up in a nasty situation.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.

Good News

2008-10-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I’d like to thank everybody who has contributed to the blog so far and secondly I’d like to share some good news with you. In the Culture and Communities Committee yesterday the Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, Brian Gibbons, committed to giving Welsh Government support for a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign. He also acknowledged that the Christmas holiday period is problematic for domestic abuse and said that he is hopeful that the campaign will be launched in the first 2 weeks of December.

I have met with the Minister on several occasions as part of my campaign to raise awareness and I’m extremely pleased that, following our meeting, the Minister has commissioned his officials to look at what the Welsh Government can do to increase awareness of these issues and to challenge attitudes. I eagerly await the details of their plan.

Nerys

Case Study B (Welsh Women's Aid)

2008-10-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ms. S. came to the UK in December 2005 from India after her arranged marriage to her husband on a spouse visa. Ms. S. was 5 months pregnant when she arrived in the UK and she lived with her husband and mother and father in law in their property.

In January Ms. S. had a scan and discovered that the baby had a hole in the heart and other disabilities. Her husband was not happy about this and the family wanted her to have the baby aborted, which she was totally against in view of the fact that she was 5 months pregnant. After this she was mistreated by her husband and his family and she was forced to live in total isolation. She was forced to move into another bedroom and was accompanied everywhere by a member of the family, whether it was visiting family or going to a doctor’s appointments. She was financially deprived, virtually a prisoner in her own home and treated like a servant.
When the baby was born she was still asked to stay in the separate room so her husband would not hear the baby cry. She was also expected to carry out the chores in the usual manner.

The abuse continued until January 2007 when she had an opportunity to speak to a health visitor who advised and gave her information about support for women fleeing domestic abuse. As Ms. S. had no recourse to public funds, obtaining support was difficult and this forced her to remain in an abusive situation.

Things went from bad to worse and when she could not cope any longer she made an escape in February 2007 and went to an Indian family in a different city. This was the only family she knew in UK other than her in-laws. This family referred her to BAWSO because of her no recourse situation and to meet her cultural needs.

Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 12 months she was able to get her indefinite leave to remain in the UK and regain her confidence and self esteem to rebuild her life. She was also able to get the necessary treatments required for her son.

Ms. S. is now well settled in her own home and is developing her skills by accessing personal development courses whilst her son attends a play group regularly.

Case Study A (Welsh Women's Aid)

2008-10-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ms. M. came to UK in 1993 from India with her 2 children when she fell in love with someone and they started living together. She opened her own business, a beauty salon. She worked very hard to build it and hired paid staff to meet the demand. Her partner was managing the financial side of the business and had total control of it. Ms. M. fully trusted him with all the finance of her business. During this time he purchased a property for her and registered it in her name. He also applied for various credit cards in her name. At the time she was not aware that he could forge her signature.

She had two children with him. After few years of them being together he started to abuse her and her eldest daughter emotionally, financially and physically. She felt trapped, she was working hard in the business and he was getting all the financial benefits. Ms. M stayed with her partner for nearly 8 years until one day he beat her and her daughter badly and threatened to kill them both. She left her home with her children and reported the abuse to the police who referred her to BAWSO Women’s Aid. By now Ms. M had lost her business, home, her confidence and self-esteem and feared for her and her daughter’s life. Credit card companies were also after her. She was extremely low and depressed.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 10 months she was able to regain her confidence and self esteem and rebuild her life. She has her own accommodation and is settled with her children far away from Manchester and her partner. She has now set up her beauty salon business in this area and doing really well. Her children are well settled in schools and her eldest daughter is also working as a beautician in one of the major stores in the city.
Ms. M is still fighting for the assets which are rightfully due to her through courts and paying off the debts that her partner has incurred.

My Story

2008-10-21T01:53:00.001-07:00

As someone who had previously been in a refuge following a violent marriage, had been a volunteer for Women’s Aid, got their life back together, has a 1st and 2nd degree after making the decision that there was more to life, I was the last person who thought would experience domestic abuse, especially having been there once before! I had even written a thesis on domestic abuse and service provision!

But after a few years in a relationship, having spent time for just me and my kids, things began to shift. I didn’t even realise, I had a good job as a Policy Officer in a well known and respected organisation, I had a good salary, owned a car and then as a part owner of a house.

This was different, no physical violence, but the put downs, the accusations of affairs as I was out at work and he was ‘retired’ due to a bad back! Then I discovered the lies, the deceit in relation to how much money I had to pay in, I realised that he was just living off me and when I challenged him, that’s when it began. Five years I stayed, but things came to a head when I stopped paying. I was forced to live in the study, had a cupboard for food, he made life impossible for the kids and I. He would use the kitchen when he knew I would need to cook, despite being home all day. He said cruel things to the kids; he would bang on the floor above the study when I was sleeping. I would come home and find rubbish, boxes, anything thrown on the futon I slept on. He went through all my personal papers yet kept his under lock & key. He demanded money, had all the utilities transferred to my name and when I left found that he had never allowed the meters to be read and when I read them I had bills for hundreds of pounds for 2 and half months. He’d paid the estimated bills!

I couldn’t get on any housing list as I owned a house, I had to rent. I borrowed money for a bond and left. He wouldn’t let me take anything from the house unless I had physically been to the shop and bought it, despite having all my own furniture and home long before I met him, and having paid into the home for 10 years!

Even after I left he made life hell, threatened me with bankruptcy by refusing to sell the house, demanding I paid the mortgage, plus my rent, that I paid his council tax, stopped prospective buyers from coming to view the house. I had to take out a loan to pay all the legal costs, court costs, he didn’t, he got his for free! He made me pay and pay until I was near bankruptcy. I became even more depressed, I have been taking anti depressants since a week after I left him, all my coping mechanisms shattered as he continued to be difficult.

He came to my workplace; he waited in full view of my colleagues for 2 hours, glaring at me, intimidated my colleague until we called the police. He wanted to tell my boss about me!

After 15 months, the house was finally sold, from my share of the equity; all I had left was enough to buy a car after I paid off all the debts I’d incurred over the 15 months.

Now I have moved jobs, it was awful everyone looking and talking, I had no support there, I still rent as I have no deposit, even after 10 years of paying a mortgage, but I am free, my kids are happy, finally I am happy, as I had to make friends with myself again and realise that I did nothing wrong.

A woman in her late forties tells her story

2008-10-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

I left my ex-partner of l9 years, a few days after he punched me in the back of the head, smashing stuff in the kitchen at the same time.
Police involved a few days later when I went to them - unfortunately CPS did not prosecute. I left my home in March 2008 due to my ex's deteriorating and escalating behaviours - i.e. he threw my new breakfast cereals into a black bag with dog excrement. Lots of my stuff was thrown away.

Ex became very frightening saying 'why I haven't murdered you I don't know' on a number of occasion - the details of which were given to the police who were brilliant. I sold my Rolex and got enough money from cash converters to leave home and I took as much of my clothes as I could and moved into a hotel, and put what I could into storage. I hid the money in my handbag so frightened was I that my ex would find it. Escalating extreme psychological abuse - so frightening that I felt sick all of the time. Doctor involved. Previous injury and necrotised muscle in leg shown to doctor (too late to do anything about the injury).
My ex's behaviour towards me deteriorated after I was persuaded to put him onto the Deeds on the property which I owned outright - having purchased it for cash (as the last house he lived with me in). Gradually the behaviour worsened so much so that I became very ill - ex tried to make out I was mad and once when I talked to police officers about what was going on and that he was trying to get to cash in my occupational pensions, he persuaded them that I was ill!
After I left, my ex first of all said that he had an authority to act to sell the house and that I was in hospital, comatosed and heavily sedated! Then my ex locked me out. Then my ex refused to sell the house and I had to push him into court to ensure that the proposed house sale went through. Then my ex prevented me seeing my dogs, owned by me. Then, my ex took my dogs allowing me only to see them if I went with him walking the dogs because they are 'big' and I may not be able to manage. Because of his threatening and frightening behaviour I can't see dogs with him accompanying me.
Since then voicemails telling me my exact address and that my ex knew the landlord (so much for moving somewhere I felt safe), so that I have had to move again. The police came to check my safety and to take another report. In recent weeks more voicemails and harassment and the police involved again. I have tried to be as reasonable as possible so that I get to see my dogs, but no matter how reasonable I am, my reasonableness has been rebuffed.
Since then, dogs are with ex - he refuses to allow me to see them - rather than being my dogs (which they are) they are now his dogs and access to them is refused according to a text message sent on his behalf by someone who knows how hurt I would be by the message.
I have letters confirming everything particularly when I discovered that my ex had been to the estate agents saying I was in hospital (the potential buyers of the house told me). My ex even went to his employer (I believe saying that we were in arrears with mortgage asking for a loan - and he paid his golf club membership - which I normally paid each year). I spent half of my occupational lump sum payment on buying a family car (for the dogs, paying of ex's car loan) only to find that my car, this car and a caravan previously purchased were all put into his name. I had all the debts in my name and he had all of the benefits from us living together in his.
Ex has been extremely aggressive and frightening when he has been in contact with me – one night he rang at ll.43pm – I did not know it was him at first – I was asleep. He was told not to contact me and not to be aggressive. I have only been in contact for the sake of my dogs. I don’t believe dog insurance has been taken out by him or that the dogs a frontlined to stop them getting flees. One was so frightened of him when he exploded one day at home, she went upstairs and wet herself.
All of the domestic abuse is apparently 'my fault' and that he blames me for his arrest despite what he had done.
I am bereft over having to leave my dogs - its my ex’s last piece of power and control really. Leaving your dogs is like leaving your children. Before I was locked out I returned to the house to leave some money for my ex and to make sure the dogs were ok – they had no water. Days after I went with my friend and had to get a ladder to make sure they were ok. I wish to this day that I had taken my dogs with me – anywhere just so that they and I were together. I am currently going to be seeking the advice of the RSPCA to find out whether my dogs are being looked after and to make sure that their veterinary attention is being done properly.
My weight has dropped 2 stone in 6-months. I have tried to keep civil for the sake of eventually seeing my dogs and being able to take them out - this has all been refused by ex.
I have started working again even though I officially retired last year - my ex spending at least half of the money - on benefitting himself and a holiday to boot – which I paid for – like all of the other holidays over many years. All of the credit cards were in my name – nothing in his – not even gas or electricity or the Council tax.
I am a very well know practitioner in the field of women's rights. My daughter, her husband and grandchildren visited during their school holidays and my ex pushed me in front of my grandchildren.
I also know now that if I had spotted earlier on how much my ex’s behaviour had deteriorated and that it was at both ends of the spectrum – you just couldn’t work out what he was going to do next, I would have acted completely differently. I wish I had got the police in the night he punched me. Its just it was the final straw!
My daughter attended the police domestic abuse unit with me. My daughter would also be willing to be interviewed. It has been a nightmare trying to return to work and keep a job done with everything going on.

A South Wales woman's personal experience shared anonymously with Welsh Women’s Aid

2008-10-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

"I am a victim of Domestic Abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, sexual and finally physical. My first husband left me for another woman, and left me with two babies and no support as my family lived in a different area. So when I met my second husband I was already a vulnerable person and eager to please him in case he too would leave me for someone else.

For the first two years he was a very good husband, then very slowly he started to change. He never wanted to hand over any money as he was a drinker and needed his money for drink. When he would do a job in the house or garden, at the slightest criticism or suggestion that he should do something different he would down everything walk away and start drinking. He would come home angry and abusive and disrupt the family. He would buy me and the children anything we wanted, but unfortunately he would pay for nothing. If he couldn’t have something such as a car or holiday then it would be my fault as I wasn’t managing the money properly – I was useless at everything.

When the children needed money for school trips or shoes or a treat of any kind I was able to give it to them because I was working, but it was always with the provision that they never told daddy. After about ten years, in which time we had parted many times, I was a regular visitor at the surgery, taking prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets, and was a nervous wreck. He was in total control of everything that happened within the house - we ate his choice of food at the time he wanted to eat, and when he was in the house he controlled the TV and we only watched what he wanted to watch. He told me what I had to wear and if he didn’t like what I put on he would say ‘I’m not going out with you like that’. And if he couldn’t have sex when and where he wanted I was no good wife and mother, so I was passively raped for many years. I ended up feeling worthless and useless and ended up deciding to take my own life. Thankfully I did not succeed. At the age of 48 years I had been married three times, once to my first husband and twice to my second husband because I couldn’t live with him but I couldn’t live without him either. I had become dependant on him. I was taking more and more prescribed drugs. I was miserably unhappy and thought I was going crazy.

I went to a drug rehab centre for advice about the drugs I was taking and was horrified to find out I was addicted to the drugs and possibly addicted to alcohol. I did what the drug centre suggested and went to Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon and started to learn how to take care of myself, and so get out from under his control. That’s when he became physically violent. When I started to ask for money for contributions for household bills and food. When I said no to his choice of food and times of food. When I started to take care of how I looked and take care of myself properly as I had neglected myself. When I refused sex. Whenever I said no he got violent. I had never said no before. I know what it’s like to be pulled by the roots of my hair from every room in the house. He would do that so he wouldn’t leave any marks. I’ve had a knife to my throat so many times. I have suffered verbal abuse that can not be repeated. The violence was so bad I flipped and went to the kitchen, got a butchers knife and tried to kill him. It was then I knew I had to get out. I had nowhere to go. Women’s Aid was the only place that would give me a roof over my head. They gave me support to get him evicted from my council house which was in my name. They showed me kindness that I had not received for a very long time from anyone or anywhere. Most importantly I felt safe in the refuge. I had a roof over my head and felt I could sort my life out. And for that I will always be grateful. Women’s Aid in my opinion is vital in our society today, because women suffering domestic abuse have nowhere to go. And families and victims do not always understand or support the victims. So in my opinion Women’s Aid is the only place we have got."

Welcome to the blog - Croeso i'r blog

2008-10-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

One in four women in Wales will experience violence at the hands of a partner during their lives and on average a female victim of domestic violence is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police. The first time you come across this statistic, it is shocking, but the more you hear it, the less of an impact it has and the shock soon disappears. But behind the stats are women with real life experiences of suffering violence and abuse purely because of their gender. These are women from all types of background, professions, class, religion, ethnicity and age.

This blog's aim is to show the human stories behind the statistics in order to bring home the severity of the issue. It demonstrates that this is happening in ALL of our communities, in our streets and in our villages and to people we know and love.

Domestic abuse and violence against women is not talked about in our society largely due to the fact that women do not speak out about their experiences. They somehow feel that they are to be blamed for being a victim and therefore the severity and incidence of the problem is largely ignored by most in society, as if it doesn’t exist. After all it’s easier to try and ignore the issue rather than try and deal with it, isn’t it?

This is the second part of my campaign to bring more attention to the prevalence of this issue. The first part gained a lot of media attention when 3 AMs admitted to being victims or rape and 1 of domestic violence. Those stats aren’t as shocking as they seem, they follow national trends and I suspect that there are more experiences with the Assembly than the anonymous poll indicates. The shocking thing is that it took politicians to speak out, albeit anonymously to get attention to the issue.

I’m calling on the One Wales Assembly Government to fund an awareness raising campaign to challenge attitudes towards violence against women, both domestic abuse and otherwise. Abuse can take numerous forms: physical, emotional, psychological, and financial and it’s about time we opened up this debate and challenged the attitudes that exist, for the good of the whole of Welsh society.

Finally I’d like to thank the brave women who have had the courage to write about their experiences here. If you would like to contribute anonymously you can contact me at nerys.evans@wales.gov.uk

We now all look towards the Welsh Government to take a lead in challenging this behaviour.

Nerys