I am a 41 yr old single mum to three children, two girls and a boy, now teenagers. We were living with domestic abuse from my husband, father of the three children and and this continued even after he had gone. Possibly the worst abuse then being emotional to the children, via text message and even e-mail and financial abuse of us all. He left us with no money, made me redundant from the company we had set up together in which I had supported him for 12 years and prior to that redundancy he was actually taking my pay at source for which I had to undertake proceedings. Even when he agreed to settle he repaid me the monies owed by selling a vehicle that I had bought from a personal loan-I still have the loan currently. He had however registered the vehicle in his own name; there was nothing I could do.
I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,
A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.
He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.
I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.
I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.
The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.
The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.
I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.
Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!
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