I’m 24 years of age and I’m starting to get my life back on track. It all started a few years ago when I started dating this guy. You'd never think that he would be capable of abuse. Everybody who met him thought he was a nice guy and he was also very short. We soon moved in together and slowly things started to change. At first it was small things like pushing me and getting annoyed about the smallest thing. When I got my first job at the local shop he suddenly became very violent: he started pulling my hair and punching me. The violence came out of nowhere sometines and I was instantly shattered by the horrific abuse.
After a few months I was a wreck and drinking heavily which meant I soon lost my job. It seemed that the beatings would go on for hours but this was my life. I’d accept everything he’d say. If something went wrong it was my fault. One day he was late for work and was given a row by his boss. When he came home he beat me up saying that I was to blame for him being late that morning. I soon made friends with a woman who moved in to the house next door and who could hear everything that was going on in our house. She soon made me realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse which was something that hadn’t entered my head before that. I suppose I thought that this was normal.
If it wasn’t for her I’d probably still be living with him. Although I’ve now left him and the support I’ve received has been fantastic I still have permanent problems with nightmares, intimacy and of course the physical scars. It’s not easy getting away but there is help out there.
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Friday, 7 November 2008
Latest on the proposed WAG Christmas campaign
A few weeks ago I told you that Brian Gibbons, Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, promised me during Ministerial scrunity in the Culture and Communities committee that the Welsh Assembly Government would fund a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign in the run up to Christmas. During the latest Communities and Culture committee this week I asked him for an update and again everything sounds very positive from the Government side of things. Although the nature of the campaign has not been revealed to me fully he did say that the Government are planning to hold one event in north Wales and another in south Wales to highlight the issue. As well as these events there will be an advert campaign but further details aren’t clear as of yet. I will of course keep you posted.
Nerys
Nerys
Monday, 3 November 2008
A story I received this morning which shows how domestic abuse has an effect on the lives of everybody within a family
I am a 41 yr old single mum to three children, two girls and a boy, now teenagers. We were living with domestic abuse from my husband, father of the three children and and this continued even after he had gone. Possibly the worst abuse then being emotional to the children, via text message and even e-mail and financial abuse of us all. He left us with no money, made me redundant from the company we had set up together in which I had supported him for 12 years and prior to that redundancy he was actually taking my pay at source for which I had to undertake proceedings. Even when he agreed to settle he repaid me the monies owed by selling a vehicle that I had bought from a personal loan-I still have the loan currently. He had however registered the vehicle in his own name; there was nothing I could do.
I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,
A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.
He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.
I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.
I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.
The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.
The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.
I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.
Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!
I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,
A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.
He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.
I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.
I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.
The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.
The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.
I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.
Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
A poem that was sent to me today
I got flowers
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today……
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today……
Thursday, 23 October 2008
A thirty year old woman's account of domestic violence
I wondered if I could post my story, to raise awareness of the difficulties surrounding domestic violence and how easy it is for someone to get caught up in a nasty situation.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.
Good News
Firstly, I’d like to thank everybody who has contributed to the blog so far and secondly I’d like to share some good news with you. In the Culture and Communities Committee yesterday the Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, Brian Gibbons, committed to giving Welsh Government support for a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign. He also acknowledged that the Christmas holiday period is problematic for domestic abuse and said that he is hopeful that the campaign will be launched in the first 2 weeks of December.
I have met with the Minister on several occasions as part of my campaign to raise awareness and I’m extremely pleased that, following our meeting, the Minister has commissioned his officials to look at what the Welsh Government can do to increase awareness of these issues and to challenge attitudes. I eagerly await the details of their plan.
Nerys
I have met with the Minister on several occasions as part of my campaign to raise awareness and I’m extremely pleased that, following our meeting, the Minister has commissioned his officials to look at what the Welsh Government can do to increase awareness of these issues and to challenge attitudes. I eagerly await the details of their plan.
Nerys
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Case Study B (Welsh Women's Aid)
Ms. S. came to the UK in December 2005 from India after her arranged marriage to her husband on a spouse visa. Ms. S. was 5 months pregnant when she arrived in the UK and she lived with her husband and mother and father in law in their property.
In January Ms. S. had a scan and discovered that the baby had a hole in the heart and other disabilities. Her husband was not happy about this and the family wanted her to have the baby aborted, which she was totally against in view of the fact that she was 5 months pregnant. After this she was mistreated by her husband and his family and she was forced to live in total isolation. She was forced to move into another bedroom and was accompanied everywhere by a member of the family, whether it was visiting family or going to a doctor’s appointments. She was financially deprived, virtually a prisoner in her own home and treated like a servant.
When the baby was born she was still asked to stay in the separate room so her husband would not hear the baby cry. She was also expected to carry out the chores in the usual manner.
The abuse continued until January 2007 when she had an opportunity to speak to a health visitor who advised and gave her information about support for women fleeing domestic abuse. As Ms. S. had no recourse to public funds, obtaining support was difficult and this forced her to remain in an abusive situation.
Things went from bad to worse and when she could not cope any longer she made an escape in February 2007 and went to an Indian family in a different city. This was the only family she knew in UK other than her in-laws. This family referred her to BAWSO because of her no recourse situation and to meet her cultural needs.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 12 months she was able to get her indefinite leave to remain in the UK and regain her confidence and self esteem to rebuild her life. She was also able to get the necessary treatments required for her son.
Ms. S. is now well settled in her own home and is developing her skills by accessing personal development courses whilst her son attends a play group regularly.
In January Ms. S. had a scan and discovered that the baby had a hole in the heart and other disabilities. Her husband was not happy about this and the family wanted her to have the baby aborted, which she was totally against in view of the fact that she was 5 months pregnant. After this she was mistreated by her husband and his family and she was forced to live in total isolation. She was forced to move into another bedroom and was accompanied everywhere by a member of the family, whether it was visiting family or going to a doctor’s appointments. She was financially deprived, virtually a prisoner in her own home and treated like a servant.
When the baby was born she was still asked to stay in the separate room so her husband would not hear the baby cry. She was also expected to carry out the chores in the usual manner.
The abuse continued until January 2007 when she had an opportunity to speak to a health visitor who advised and gave her information about support for women fleeing domestic abuse. As Ms. S. had no recourse to public funds, obtaining support was difficult and this forced her to remain in an abusive situation.
Things went from bad to worse and when she could not cope any longer she made an escape in February 2007 and went to an Indian family in a different city. This was the only family she knew in UK other than her in-laws. This family referred her to BAWSO because of her no recourse situation and to meet her cultural needs.
Through receiving support from BAWSO Women’s Aid for approximately 12 months she was able to get her indefinite leave to remain in the UK and regain her confidence and self esteem to rebuild her life. She was also able to get the necessary treatments required for her son.
Ms. S. is now well settled in her own home and is developing her skills by accessing personal development courses whilst her son attends a play group regularly.
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