As someone who had previously been in a refuge following a violent marriage, had been a volunteer for Women’s Aid, got their life back together, has a 1st and 2nd degree after making the decision that there was more to life, I was the last person who thought would experience domestic abuse, especially having been there once before! I had even written a thesis on domestic abuse and service provision!
But after a few years in a relationship, having spent time for just me and my kids, things began to shift. I didn’t even realise, I had a good job as a Policy Officer in a well known and respected organisation, I had a good salary, owned a car and then as a part owner of a house.
This was different, no physical violence, but the put downs, the accusations of affairs as I was out at work and he was ‘retired’ due to a bad back! Then I discovered the lies, the deceit in relation to how much money I had to pay in, I realised that he was just living off me and when I challenged him, that’s when it began. Five years I stayed, but things came to a head when I stopped paying. I was forced to live in the study, had a cupboard for food, he made life impossible for the kids and I. He would use the kitchen when he knew I would need to cook, despite being home all day. He said cruel things to the kids; he would bang on the floor above the study when I was sleeping. I would come home and find rubbish, boxes, anything thrown on the futon I slept on. He went through all my personal papers yet kept his under lock & key. He demanded money, had all the utilities transferred to my name and when I left found that he had never allowed the meters to be read and when I read them I had bills for hundreds of pounds for 2 and half months. He’d paid the estimated bills!
I couldn’t get on any housing list as I owned a house, I had to rent. I borrowed money for a bond and left. He wouldn’t let me take anything from the house unless I had physically been to the shop and bought it, despite having all my own furniture and home long before I met him, and having paid into the home for 10 years!
Even after I left he made life hell, threatened me with bankruptcy by refusing to sell the house, demanding I paid the mortgage, plus my rent, that I paid his council tax, stopped prospective buyers from coming to view the house. I had to take out a loan to pay all the legal costs, court costs, he didn’t, he got his for free! He made me pay and pay until I was near bankruptcy. I became even more depressed, I have been taking anti depressants since a week after I left him, all my coping mechanisms shattered as he continued to be difficult.
He came to my workplace; he waited in full view of my colleagues for 2 hours, glaring at me, intimidated my colleague until we called the police. He wanted to tell my boss about me!
After 15 months, the house was finally sold, from my share of the equity; all I had left was enough to buy a car after I paid off all the debts I’d incurred over the 15 months.
Now I have moved jobs, it was awful everyone looking and talking, I had no support there, I still rent as I have no deposit, even after 10 years of paying a mortgage, but I am free, my kids are happy, finally I am happy, as I had to make friends with myself again and realise that I did nothing wrong.
About Me
- Nerys Evans
- I'm the Plaid Cymru Assembly Member for Mid and West Wales, elected in May 2007. I'm from Llangain, near Carmarthen. I'm Plaid's spokesperson on regeneration and I'm chair of the cross party groups on Epilepsy and Broadband in rural Wales. I also sit on the Assembly's Culture and Communities committee, European and External affairs committee and I'm one of the Assembly's representatives on the European Committee of the regions. My constituency office is Penrhiw, 52 Lammas street, Carmarthen SA31 3AL. Fi yw Aelod Cynulliad Plaid Cymru dros Canolbarth a Gorllewin Cymru ar ôl cael fy ethol ym mis Mai 2007. Rwy’n enedigol o Langain, ger Caerfyrddin. Fi yw llefarydd Plaid ar adfywio ac rwy’n gadeirydd y Grŵp trawsbleidiol ar Epilepsi a Bandllydan yng nghefn gwlad Cymru. Rwyf hefyd yn aelod o bwyllgor Diwylliant a Chymunedau’r Cynulliad, Pwyllgor Ewrop a Materion Allanol ac rwy’n un o gynrychiolwyr y Cynulliad ar Bwyllgor Rhanbarthau Ewrop. Fy swyddfa etholaeth yw Penrhiw, 52 Heol Awst, Caerfyrddin, SA31 3AL.
1 comment:
This is a really good example of how ANYONE can fall victim to some sort of domestic abuse, even after they have experienced another type in the past. And perhaps, thinking you know what abuse is, it's frightening and humiliating to discover it's happening again, and how insidious some men can be in their methods.
Perhaps, they know not what they do, til they are forced to confront it, and even then, they don't admit it. Or can't change their ways. I believe some men do not change enough to be 'safe' around women, especially where they don't reflect on their behaviour.
Some men present as extremely open, sensitive, even working in professional social care fields. One man had the cheek to say to me at the end of the relationship that he felt he was a 'rescuer', when in reality, as I look back, he had been using quietly controlling and jealous/ suspicious behaviour, which left me feeling like I was losing my mind.
Also, when I shared my feelings of anger and hate towards a previous mentally and physically abusive man, he would say "You have to 'let go' of those feelings, and feel sorry for him." Telling me how to feel about my own experiences!
I've never seen, or contributed to this sort of thing before. It's a great thing to share stories, to stop it happening to others, to let people know it can happen to anyone, to keep TALKING and LISTENING.
I now work in this field. It's a never-ending stream of misery, with some light, where women and children come through, and recover. The role of a parent, mother or father, needs to be valued and protected, to bring up the next generation of non-abusive adults.
Thank you.
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