Support is available for domestic abuse victims over the Christmas period

I was pleased to see a new enforcement campaign to protect and support victims of domestic violence over the Christmas period being launched recently by the home secretary Jacqui Smith. A new advertising campaign to highlight the hidden issue of domestic abuse was also revealed. The advert shows a woman celebrating with people around her singing “when we get behind closed doors” with the strap line ‘Don’t suffer in silence’.
As figures show an increase in domestic violence over the festive season this enforcement campaign encourages increased police-led activity in higher risk areas during seasonal peaks. This will include: innovative tactics such as the use of body-worn video cameras by police; dedicated Domestic Abuse response vehicles; increased frontline policing and more specialist advice for those officers at scenes of domestic abuse; identification and targeting of the ten highest risk perpetrators in each area– to include proactive bail checks based on intelligence and data; and Identification through Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conferences of the ten highest risk victims in each area. This is all excellent news and I applaud the work being carried out to highlight this issue.
Christmas is a time for families to come together and celebrate. But for victims of domestic abuse it can be a time of fear and trauma. For anyone who is suffering over the Christmas period I want to highlight the fact that support is available for victims during the next few weeks. I would urge anyone who is suffering in this way to contact the 24 hour, free and confidential Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.

This story was passed on to me from a lady in rural Wales....

" I was being abused for years, but I didn't recognise it as such. I was not allowed to wear what I wanted when I went out. For example, in the summer I couldn't wear a T-shirt or thin cotton top unless I also put on a baggy cardigan several sizes too large which obscured my shape. In time, I accepted that my figure must be repulsive and automatically bought and wore shapeless, unattractive clothes in dull colours that would not draw attention to myself.

At one time, when cash was short, I went out to work. He was unemployed at that time and so, of course, able to drop in on my place of work to see me. I realize now that he was checking up on me, to see that I was behaving correctly. On one occasion I was helping a deaf boy half my age. That night he subjected me to such a tirade of anger that I was shaking and had to promise that I wouldn't show such attention to anyone again.

Mostly, I was not allowed to go out on my own, but had to be accompanied by him or one of his awful relatives, usually his mother. When I did go out on my own I had to account to him for every moment: where I went, who I saw, who spoke to me, etc.

He never laid a finger upon me for many years. He didn't have to. Domestic abuse is all about power and control, and he could control me completely without the use of violence. But then I inherited a sum of money, which he began spending on alcohol, and would get drunk most nights. It was then that he began hitting me. I put up with this for several years, and never told anyone anything about it, as I was ashamed. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to, and I didn't have the mental strength to do anything about it: it was as though I was numb and unable to function properly.

Then one night he beat me up so badly that something inside me snapped. I knew that if I continued to stay with him he would end up killing me. So while he went to the bathroom to relieve himself I struggled to the phone, dialled 999, and begged the police to come and rescue me. They came and took me away to a Women's Aid refuge in town, as my husband had disappeared out of the back door when they arrived.

Later, I learnt that he had finally been found and arrested. Much to my disgust, he was given a suspended sentence by the court, so that I was unable to return to my home. But after some time at the refuge while I got my finances sorted, I eventually found a little place of my own. I now live alone, many miles from my old home, under a new name; but I still live in fear that one day he will find me and finish what he started.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what has happened to me. After years of emotional and physical abuse I was a non-person: a zombie just going through the motions of living. But I attended the Freedom Programme, run by Women's Aid, and there learnt all about domestic abuse, which helped me tremendously. I was also able to take advantage of the counselling service available through Women's Aid. Now, I have my personality again, and self-confidence, and have recovered from the depression which I suffered from for a long time. I look forward to the future. "

'This is my story' - this was given to me through Welsh Women's Aid

Hi This is my story. I would prefer to be anonymous. I haven't really been helped by your organisation as when I was being abused, I didnt really realise what was happening. I was diagnosed with Colitis when I was in my first year at Swansea Uni. I had been really sick and was rushed into hospital. I had been losing weight for weeks, but just put it down to my busy scgedule at uni but then i collapsed and my flatmates foned an ambulance. Anyway, I had to have pretty mjor surgery and doctors even thought they may have to take my bowel away. Luckily they didnt but I had some pretty nasty scars where I had abscesses and had to go to the doctors regularly to get them dressed. I felt ugly, and I was always conscious about meeting guys on nights out. My friends were really supportive and one of friends from my course invited me to a house party the were having. Thats where I met this man. He was my friend's housemate and, by all accounts, a pretty nice guy. He made an effort to talk to me and he made me laugh - which I hadnt done in a while. Anyway, we began seeeing mire and more of each other and eventually we strated dating. I realise now, That's when everyhting started to change. He didnt like me going out all night with my girlfriends and he used to make sure I was back by a certan time so he could come round and spend the night. It is only now that I realise that he was trying toc ontrol me. Then he started making snidey comments like he wished je was dating a chav "cos they put out" (I had made a point of not sleeping with him as I had been used by guys in the past). When we did eventually sleep toegther he belittled me and made me feel like I was disgusting. He said he didn't enjoy our sex and he tried to make me do things I didnt want to do. I got so upset one night that his housemate knocjed on the door cos he could hear me crying. The worst thing was when I had to go to the doctor for regualr blood tests and checkups - he used to refuse to come with me, even tho he knew i was petrified of the doctor - and he used to say that my illness wasn't a real illness and i was just making things up to get sypathy. I used to think he was joking but i realise niw he was wittling away at my self esteem. Anyway, the relationship ended pretty badly, 5 months later. And, although it wasnt me who ended it (I was pretty upset when he did cos it just made me feel even uglier than he had already made me!) I realise now what could have happened it i had stayed with him. I wanted to tell you my story so that you can use it to show other young girls in the same situation as me that, even they're not hitting you - it can still be domestic abuse and the best thing that anyone in that situation can do, is to leave! The syaing goes "sticks and stones ma break my bones but names will never hurt me". I disagree with this, the name calling can be just as bad as the hitting and the kicking - it eats you away from the inside and thats when things can sometimes feel as if its not worth it! Thank you for listening :)

A Mid Wales woman tells her story….

Ten years ago I was married a man who did everything in his power to hurt me mentally, financially, physically, and sexually. I was with him for over 5 years and everything was fine for the first two years but things started to gradually change.
Before I met him I had started a business, and he tried everything to stop me making a success of that business. It seemed the better I did with my business, the more controlling he became.He then started to ignore any bills that came in which meant that I had to pay everything. He then started to ignore me and when he did speak to me he’d just call me names. One night I woke up with him shouting at me for no reason. He couldn’t explain why he was shouting at me and this scared me so I’d just accept that it was my fault and at times I actually believed that I must have done something to annoy him.
I then started to sleep in a separate room to him because I would always be so tired. This of course made him even more angry which resulted in him hitting me on several occasions. I tried to ignore it and poured all my energy into my business. The more I did the more ugly it got. It ended after I finally called the police after he smashed my office equipment, and hurt me.
I got a restraining order and had the police remove him. My divorce was just signed this month. It has been difficult to get my life back to normal but I am trying. I’m just glad that I got out of there when I did.

A Cardiff woman tells her story

I’m 24 years of age and I’m starting to get my life back on track. It all started a few years ago when I started dating this guy. You'd never think that he would be capable of abuse. Everybody who met him thought he was a nice guy and he was also very short. We soon moved in together and slowly things started to change. At first it was small things like pushing me and getting annoyed about the smallest thing. When I got my first job at the local shop he suddenly became very violent: he started pulling my hair and punching me. The violence came out of nowhere sometines and I was instantly shattered by the horrific abuse.
After a few months I was a wreck and drinking heavily which meant I soon lost my job. It seemed that the beatings would go on for hours but this was my life. I’d accept everything he’d say. If something went wrong it was my fault. One day he was late for work and was given a row by his boss. When he came home he beat me up saying that I was to blame for him being late that morning. I soon made friends with a woman who moved in to the house next door and who could hear everything that was going on in our house. She soon made me realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse which was something that hadn’t entered my head before that. I suppose I thought that this was normal.
If it wasn’t for her I’d probably still be living with him. Although I’ve now left him and the support I’ve received has been fantastic I still have permanent problems with nightmares, intimacy and of course the physical scars. It’s not easy getting away but there is help out there.

Latest on the proposed WAG Christmas campaign

A few weeks ago I told you that Brian Gibbons, Minister for Social Justice and Local Government, promised me during Ministerial scrunity in the Culture and Communities committee that the Welsh Assembly Government would fund a domestic abuse awareness raising campaign in the run up to Christmas. During the latest Communities and Culture committee this week I asked him for an update and again everything sounds very positive from the Government side of things. Although the nature of the campaign has not been revealed to me fully he did say that the Government are planning to hold one event in north Wales and another in south Wales to highlight the issue. As well as these events there will be an advert campaign but further details aren’t clear as of yet. I will of course keep you posted.

Nerys

A story I received this morning which shows how domestic abuse has an effect on the lives of everybody within a family

I am a 41 yr old single mum to three children, two girls and a boy, now teenagers. We were living with domestic abuse from my husband, father of the three children and and this continued even after he had gone. Possibly the worst abuse then being emotional to the children, via text message and even e-mail and financial abuse of us all. He left us with no money, made me redundant from the company we had set up together in which I had supported him for 12 years and prior to that redundancy he was actually taking my pay at source for which I had to undertake proceedings. Even when he agreed to settle he repaid me the monies owed by selling a vehicle that I had bought from a personal loan-I still have the loan currently. He had however registered the vehicle in his own name; there was nothing I could do.

I sought help from womens aid by telephone and I also received a call from a police officer that took details of my circumstances at that time. He was away on business but due to return and I was very frightened because his behaviour towards the children and myself had become much worse and he was unpredictable,

A series of events followed, He did say he wanted a divorce and was going to leave but it was me that had to move out of the bedroom. On times the children and I were sleeping together in one room. He had become very agitated by the noise of the shower at one point and had entered the bathroom been verbally abuse to our naked 15 year old daughter and terrified her greatly. She still had shampoo in her hair and was too afraid to shower it away the next morning for fear of a repeat. I ran a bath as quietly as I could and helped her. Next-door were aware of the events and left their door open by night incase we needed to flee. No one really slept.

He left soon after. I discovered he had been having an affair, not the first, with someone in the workplace, weeks later. He told me he had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. He continued to control us anyway he could. I went to womens aid for advice. He still had the key and could enter the house at anytime. We discussed ways we could be safe if he became aggressive and we had a “safe room” in the house in which there was a telephone at all times and a wardrobe to help block the door. The children had help from the youth worker and my eldest daughter who was besieged by emotional abuse by phone of abusive language during her GCSE’s was eventually given support to make a statement to the police for harassment as was I for similar offences. The Police Officer assigned to us was very professional though understanding and never made us feel that we were a nuisance. He gave good advice and was instrumental in helping us hugely.

I did the freedom programme at my local Women’s Aid with the workers who had helped me. I realised that in the 23 years I had spent with this man the abuse had been building and trickling in. I was just 17 when we met. I lost my friends, when we went out I was ignored by him. I was never introduced and if people spoke with me he would turn up and take over the conversation or alternatively ask what they wanted. I was made to feel stupid in front of strangers, I had burned my arm on the oven shelf that had left line burns and he said in front of everyone that I was a self-harmer. He would drink so much and I was left with no money to buy one for myself. As the years went by this got worse. He would always expect sex after an evening out like this. He would be verbally abusive, and even physically abusive if I refused. Sometimes he would be unconsciously drunk, I preferred that. He raped me when I was particularly venerable following major surgery, it was our youngest daughters birthday. I never told anyone until last year, 7 years on.

I had to pay for everything and then he accused me of spending all the money, he wanted things yet I had to get the money. Luckily I am a hoarder and I had receipts during the divorce proceedings as proof-he accused me of buying drugs as I had taken cash out of the account on a daily basis! This was to pay builders and he had told me to get it! I wasn’t allowed to go back to my former career ever because he said I couldn’t earn enough money. To outsiders he was charming and worked hard to provide for his family, it looked perfect I’m sure. I learned not to complain or argue. To keep the home and children the way he wanted. I had to pay a cleaner because he said I couldn’t do a good enough job. No one ever saw anyway. He didn’t bring me a present back from his travels and he told the children it was punishment because I had asked him for some extra money. This was to buy their uniforms and I had to pay for his car and the budget didn’t stretch.

The first time he hit me was in the first year of our marriage. There was an occasion when things were very serious and our daughter was just 2 and asleep upstairs, it was recorded by the GP that time. It was all put down to “stress” and he actually got away with it. I should have left then.

The children have their contact via a court order. They were interviewed by CAFCASS regarding their wishes and concerns. Any changes are made via text so there is evidence to show, also stated in the order owing to the abuse received. Our eldest daughter is not having contact currently as is her choice. The Youth Worker supported the children at this time explaining what would happen and allaying their fears. My eldest daughter still has contact with her; she was particularly affected by emotional and physical abuse from her father since she was 10 years old.

I always had a support worker to wait with me at court, which gave me huge strength. I was also able to wait in a secure room and escorted by security into and out of the courtroom. Domestic Abuse is taken very seriously as I was very frightened at being in his presence, even in a court.

Now we are free and rebuilding our lives. I am much stronger as a person and of course happier. I realised just recently how different it is to actually be happy instead of pretending to be happy. I am so grateful to Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme is a fantastic way forward for anyone who has been in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s actually a very good collection of information for basic life skills as a prevention measure to recognise possible signs of “The Dominator”, my children are all very much aware. He took away my true self but it’s a joy now making the journey of re discovery!