"I am a victim of Domestic Abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, sexual and finally physical. My first husband left me for another woman, and left me with two babies and no support as my family lived in a different area. So when I met my second husband I was already a vulnerable person and eager to please him in case he too would leave me for someone else.
For the first two years he was a very good husband, then very slowly he started to change. He never wanted to hand over any money as he was a drinker and needed his money for drink. When he would do a job in the house or garden, at the slightest criticism or suggestion that he should do something different he would down everything walk away and start drinking. He would come home angry and abusive and disrupt the family. He would buy me and the children anything we wanted, but unfortunately he would pay for nothing. If he couldn’t have something such as a car or holiday then it would be my fault as I wasn’t managing the money properly – I was useless at everything.
When the children needed money for school trips or shoes or a treat of any kind I was able to give it to them because I was working, but it was always with the provision that they never told daddy. After about ten years, in which time we had parted many times, I was a regular visitor at the surgery, taking prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets, and was a nervous wreck. He was in total control of everything that happened within the house - we ate his choice of food at the time he wanted to eat, and when he was in the house he controlled the TV and we only watched what he wanted to watch. He told me what I had to wear and if he didn’t like what I put on he would say ‘I’m not going out with you like that’. And if he couldn’t have sex when and where he wanted I was no good wife and mother, so I was passively raped for many years. I ended up feeling worthless and useless and ended up deciding to take my own life. Thankfully I did not succeed. At the age of 48 years I had been married three times, once to my first husband and twice to my second husband because I couldn’t live with him but I couldn’t live without him either. I had become dependant on him. I was taking more and more prescribed drugs. I was miserably unhappy and thought I was going crazy.
I went to a drug rehab centre for advice about the drugs I was taking and was horrified to find out I was addicted to the drugs and possibly addicted to alcohol. I did what the drug centre suggested and went to Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon and started to learn how to take care of myself, and so get out from under his control. That’s when he became physically violent. When I started to ask for money for contributions for household bills and food. When I said no to his choice of food and times of food. When I started to take care of how I looked and take care of myself properly as I had neglected myself. When I refused sex. Whenever I said no he got violent. I had never said no before. I know what it’s like to be pulled by the roots of my hair from every room in the house. He would do that so he wouldn’t leave any marks. I’ve had a knife to my throat so many times. I have suffered verbal abuse that can not be repeated. The violence was so bad I flipped and went to the kitchen, got a butchers knife and tried to kill him. It was then I knew I had to get out. I had nowhere to go. Women’s Aid was the only place that would give me a roof over my head. They gave me support to get him evicted from my council house which was in my name. They showed me kindness that I had not received for a very long time from anyone or anywhere. Most importantly I felt safe in the refuge. I had a roof over my head and felt I could sort my life out. And for that I will always be grateful. Women’s Aid in my opinion is vital in our society today, because women suffering domestic abuse have nowhere to go. And families and victims do not always understand or support the victims. So in my opinion Women’s Aid is the only place we have got."
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2 comments:
Thank you Nerys for starting this blog - it is an issue which needs to be aired far, far more, in the hope that we can shame perpetrators of domestic violence to change their ways. What a pity, though, that yet again the spotlight is being aimed solely at women - when this is an issue which affects both sexes. The degree of violence may be differfent in the majority of cases, but certainly not enough is done to get abused male partners to share their experiences - as I know very well. So often, they suffer in silence, from a sense of shame and/or because they do not know where to turn for help. Please broaden your campaign to include the wider issue.
Thanks for your comment Tony.
Yes of course I acknowledge that men also suffer from domestic abuse, and all violence should be condemned. I believe that there is a particular set of issues that lie behind abuse against women, to do with men wanting and expecting to have control over women's lives, and other people accepting that and these are different to the factors that lead to men being victims of domestic abuse.
I personally think the issues should be kept separate. We need to challenge and change these attitudes and I feel that we would be in a better position to do that if we acknowledge that the abuse and violence is different, though of course it is all wrong.
The Government has a big role to play in challenging attitudes to do with all types of domestic abuse and I certainly would be supportive of that.
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