A thirty year old woman's account of domestic violence

I wondered if I could post my story, to raise awareness of the difficulties surrounding domestic violence and how easy it is for someone to get caught up in a nasty situation.
I'm 30 years old, educated and work in the public sector as an auditor.
My story begins as the second daughter of 4 children by an Arabic father and English mother living in Wales. I ran away from home at the age of 15 following years of my parents volatile relationship, growing up surrounded by instability, constant arguing and witnessing domestic violence towards my mother, the police were involved in one incident but the charges were withdrawn, my mother had a fractured cheek bone and black eye. I have seen my father crash 6 chairs against the kitchen wall until chunks of plaster fell out of it. I lived in 9 different houses and also stayed for some time in a hotel all before the age of 15 and attended 7 different schools (some private, domestic violence affects all walks of life). When I was 15 I stole money from my father, wrong I know but I wanted to run away. My father found me and he along with my mother took me to A & E convinced I had been taking drugs due to my less than perfect behaviour. The doctor on duty that night confirmed I had not been taking drugs rather that I was desperately unhappy and suffering the effects of my parents behaviour and the show they were putting on for me. The doctor actually recommended I be referred to social services and was in fact better to be placed away from the family. I was due to sit my GCSE's 2 months later.
So I moved out of the place called "home." Home for me was not very pleasant more a confusing rollercoaster of emotions, my mother struggled with depression and had suicidal moments and my father not the most understanding reacted badly. Whether my mother's depression was due to the way they treated each other I don't know. I am guessing that as a child it is not really my job to figure that out! I was often confided in and each parent would want to demonise the other following an argument and it would be nasty for a while, perhaps several days and then the make up would happen and the flowers would appear and it would be all nice until the next time.
So with the assistance of my social worker I found a place in a student house, and settled into a routine with the few black bags holding my clothes. I still attended school I had my GCSE coming up and although I struggled with my school work and the environment I grew up in was not conducive to achieving good grades I wanted to do my best and be a good girl at my school work.
I managed to scrape by and get 5 GCSE's grade C and above. I then started working in a ladies fashion shop, I met my ex and believed I was in love. He was a bad boy enjoyed drinking and drugs but I thought I was in love and didn't know any different and it felt better than home so I thought I needed him in my life to "Love" me. He'd been prosecuted for drink driving, possession of drugs but I thought there was still a good man to be found in there somewhere. I attended night college and did some word processing courses and did a GCSE in accounts and applied for a job in an Estate Agents doing their accounts where I worked for a further 3 years until I was dismissed, I took them to court and it was decided at tribunal that it was unfair dismissal and 'i was financially compensated. I fell pregnant but decided it was in my best interests for me to have an abortion. I believe the effects of having a child at that time would have been a distressing experience and my ex did not want a child. I then went on to work in a Housing Association as a Finance Officer where I stayed for a further 5 years. During this time I attended college part time and achieved an "A" in A Level Accounts and went on to do the AAT qualification. And started the ACCA.....
During this time my ex and I settled into some sort of routine we thought we were in love and good for each other. We had volatile moments, I didn't like the drugs but he did and I think in some ways that is all he cared about. We had moments when things were good but there were times when it was bad.
My parents finally divorced about 10 years after I originally left home at 15. My mother left my father she escaped from the house she was treated like a prisoner in and went to a women's aid. It was reported in the local paper and My mother was on "page 3" as a missing person. The police actually came to interview me and asked if I thought my father had killed my mother. Even at the age of 20 I didn't want to believe my father was capable of that. I told them what I knew that I had seen my father hurt my mother and had run away from home myself at 15. It was notified that my mother was safe and well however for her own well being she had to limit herself from contact with people until she had sorted herself out. I'd read the divorce papers when my father turned up at my house showing the divorce papers to me upset that it was happening, despite witnessing very nasty behaviour I felt sorry for him. My mother accused him of raping her and emotional and physical abuse. Whether all this is true or not I don't know. Perhaps my mother exaggerated it for her own benefit I don't know all I do know is that I'd witnessed my father hurting my mother with my own eyes. The actual grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour and my mother did not receive compensation for the 26 years they were married, as I don't consider £2,000 adequate when my father is driving around in a Mercedes with a private number plate that cost over £5,000. From what I gather my father on paper, did not appear to have any assets so was not able to compensate my mother financially in the divorce.
My mother went on to rebuild her life to some degree and after a few more not so successful relationships met someone she considers her soul mate.
I changed jobs and went to work for a local authority. My ex and I continued to live together and got engaged but we didn't actually set a date for the wedding maybe deep down I always knew we were not right. There had been times of emotional and physical abuse, I'd had a black eye but covered it up with make up and when a friend commented on it I said "Oh it is just a blemish". I found condoms in his pocket when we were not using any as I was on the pill and a case full of sex toys that I'd never seen before, clearly there was other people on the go. After 12 years I gave up the dream we were like 2 strangers living in a house he was down the pub until closing and I was alone in the house. Communication had broken down. All I wanted was a companion someone to share the evening with, but the agreed time of sitting down to have the food I'd cooked at half seven would pass and there was no phone call from my ex to say he'd be late I'd chase him up and he'd say he'd been delayed and would then walk in after the pub had shut. I would not challenge him as if I did he'd get nasty and it was easier not to argue. But I didn't feel loved more like a doormat. He'd walk in as I was brushing my teeth to go to bed. I realised it was not going to happen he was not going to be nice and I finally realised you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. I really did my best I kept the house nice and tried to keep control of the money, in all fairness my ex worked hard but he thought as I was the accountant I could magically find money we did not have for luxuries he was too impatient to wait for. When we first met he had been CCJ's so we had used my account for wages to be paid into and once we had cleaned up his credit record we had a joint account. I asked my ex to come to counselling, but he refused.
We agreed to split up and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, during this time my ex had no regard for my feelings and actually physically attacked me and damaged my personal belongings. My father actually told me that my mother getting cancer was her own fault and that if he had cancer he would not have the chemotherapy the doctors were offering as he did not believe in it. My father refers to my mother as caustic. I was struggling and drinking too much, I asked work for some counselling to see if it would help me through what was beginning to feel like a nightmare. Work were supportive and arranged some counselling however, after one session the following week when I was due another the counsellor had to cancel and I went to a friends house, she said have a few drinks you'll feel better then. Unfortunately I was not expecting it but my ex turned up as most of our friends were mutual friends as we had been together so long, and we argued and I made the stupid mistake of getting in the car drunk and was prosecuted for drink driving. This is something I deeply regret and am ashamed of my actions. Not only did I put myself at risk I also put other people on the road that night at risk as well. And I am fully aware of the reasons for not drink driving and had a previously clean driving licence. I was truly up to my neck in it. I managed to get a solicitor and despite not being able to work as I was banned from driving managed to keep up the payments on my commitments until the house was sold. I During this time I felt scared and was worried about what I would do, I faced some pretty dark moments. I had some counselling to get myself functioning again. My self respected could not possibly get any lower.
2 Years on I am single I have the final 3 exams of the ACCA qualifications to sit. I have a job, I have my own bank account, Car and am renting a roof over my head. I managed to decline the anti depressants offered to me and have had further counselling. I go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and eat well and make myself my priority at the moment. Keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind to do my job has been a struggle at times. I have had times of feeling so angry towards my parents and myself for letting myself be treated in a bad way. I feel angry that my parents were not good role models for me and that I was not shown how a man and woman related to themselves positively. Although I believe they did the best job they could in view of their own childhoods. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect however I have learnt some valuable lessons and going forward am taking responsibility for myself. I don't drink alcohol as it is a depressant and did not solve my problems, but made it worse. The conviction for drink driving will stay on my licence for the next 11 years however it is a constant reminder for me about how out of control I felt of my life and is a reminder to take care of myself. I had no previous driving offences and I am grateful to those people who accept that I paid my dues and fees and that I served the ban and that my punishment has been dealt. I am so glad I did not hurt anyone that night.
The experiences I have had have made me feel wary of men and there were times when I asked myself was it better the devil I know, but learning to be my own best friend was the kindest thing I could do for myelf. I want to do a further qualification in forensic accounting and assist people in complicated divorce cases.
My Mum's "Soul mate" stuck by her and is still by her side after undergoing a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
My wish is that by reading this both men and women will think carefully about the effects their behaviour has on children and that bad behaviour can get passed down generation to generation but with more awareness it is possible to work at healthy and positive relationships that are good for those involved.
I have also had to learn to take care of myself and be aware when a situation is not good for me and get out sooner before I hurt myself. I recognise that I did not have the best start in life but I think I have something to offer at least professionally. I would like to meet a nice man to have a companionable and fun relationship with but I think it is far kinder to recognise that it is better to be out of a relationship than in one unless it is healthy and that the future generation will thank me for recognising when 2 people do not have the right environment that is conducive to raising children. Qualities such as kindness, respect, mutual support and loving feelings is what I understand love is and I hope I find it.
All I will say to anyone being mistreated look after yourself, reinforce your personal boundaries and keep your guard up until someone shows you they have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately there is no fairytale but I believe if we are realistic it is possible to have good relationships. Accepting the hand life dealt me has been difficult at times but I am still walking and am able to appreciate waking up and being alive. I also have to remind myself that when my father is calling my mother caustic that nobody actually forced him to have 4 children with her and that it makes me feel sad that he has no respect towards a woman that mothered 4 children of his.