In June 1998 I met the most wonderful man of my life. I already had 3 children, 2 to my first relationship and 1 to a man that didn’t hang around to see his child grow up. I had been sterilized as I didn’t want any more children.
My husband to be, who I married in 1999, was a kind caring considerate gentleman. He adopted my 3rd child, loved and cared for him like a Daddy does. It was the sense of security he gave me and my 3 children that made us talk of having my sterilization reversed.
In October 2001 my husband kept coming home from work with talk of a female colleague. I trusted him and never thought anything of it, until a month later he came home acting strange, was very quiet and I found evidence on his underwear that something had happened. I questioned my husband, who denied anything and said he could not explain what I had found. I found myself believing him as he was a wonderful husband.
In February 2002 I had my reversal and fell pregnant straight away. In January 2003 I gave birth to a boy. We were very happy and content and my husband treated his first born no different to my third child whom he had adopted. In September 2003 I gave birth to a girl and life was amazing.
I was a stay-at-home mummy and wife. I did everything: looked after all 5 of the children, school run, homework, cooking, cleaning and shopping. My husband worked full-time and played with the children, took them to the park played football with the older ones while I had the 2 younger ones at home.
In 2006 I wanted to work a few hours a week and put in for my driving test. My husband’s attitude started changing a little. I felt I no longer had a say. I wanted to work 12 hours a week and he wanted me to work 8 hours a week. The company I wanted to take my driving lessons with was not the company my husband chose for me.
After passing my test in April 2006 I applied for a job in caring in the community. My employer came to my home and interviewed me, while my husband was present. My husband stressed at my interview he only wanted me to work 8 hours a week as I had children to look after. I knew I could do more hours and still keep up with the upbringing of the children, cook, clean and do shopping.
In August 2007 my husband became controlling over the way the children should be raised to the point he was getting over-strict with my 3rd child. This was becoming a strain on the marriage and also the fact I was working and had taken more hours on. I was now working 12 hours a week, not letting anything slip at home. I was coping very well with work; doing a NVQ2 in health and social care; caring for the children, the home and my husband. I was very proud of my achievements. My husband was showing different signs. He wasn’t proud of me, hardly ever said I was doing well as he used to say; the cuddles became less and the I love you on a daily basis had disappeared.
In October 2007 I decided it was time to learn how to use a computer as this is how I got notification of my shifts. My employer had been emailing them to me since I started work and my husband printed them off for me.
My husband always said he was too busy to teach me the basics from our home computer which by this time my husband spent all his spare time on. He had stopped playing with the children.
My sister who lived down the road helped me instead. She was on a lot of sites and introduced me to a site called netlog, where you chat to other people and I made my own profile. It was great. Before I hadn’t even known how to turn a computer on and off. I was asked to put my email address in to set this site up. I didn’t know my password. I didn’t even know I had to have a password.
That night I asked for my email details from my husband and told him I could now turn the computer on and off and I could look at my shifts when they came through. He gave me the details.
When the children were in bed and my husband was working a late shift I used the computer. This was the only time I could because as soon as my husband came home he would be on the computer.
I started chatting to family members on msn and found this a whole new way of communicating.
I found some of my friends were on netlog and chatted to them, adding people I didn’t know as well, just for the chat as I didn’t get much chat from my husband.
In January 2008 my husband went onto my emails and found I was on the site and started to accuse me. I was annoyed as he was on Facebook, which I had never seen and knew nothing about. I didn’t accuse him of anything even though he too was on social networking sites.
I didn’t realize until later that my husband had set up an account online with my mobile phone which I used for work - which showed all phone calls I was making - and he rang one of my work colleagues because it was a number he didn’t recognize.
My husband decided to come clean about the colleague several years before and told me something had happened. I was distraught and took an overdose. Realising how stupid and foolish I had been, I decided to put it all behind me and concentrate on my marriage; forget what had happened several years before; my marriage was more important. I came off the netlog site. My husband carried on with Facebook.
Somehow I ended up under his spell again and he invited another woman into the bedroom. I could not go through with it and left him to it. This was in March 2008. The act carried on for 2 hours and I didn’t bat an eyelid. I was unsure whether I loved him or not.
By this time my husband had become emotionally abusive to my 3rd child. I decided to have a solicitor’s letter sent to him to the matrimonial home that was in joint names, for him to move out for 6 months to see if we could reconcile the marriage after we’d had some space.
He went for 6 weeks and then moved back in; sleeping in the bed while I slept on the sofa. The arguments were too intense however, affecting all the children. We both decided to have a chat to work out what would be best for the children, and it was agreed I would move to my sister’s. The older two children were living with their dad at this point, and it was agreed I would take my 3rd child with me and the youngest two children would stay at home in their familiar surroundings, with me visiting daily.
I thought that whatever happened between me and my husband I would end up back in my home, this is what we spoke of; and I was told by my solicitor that it was my house also and he couldn’t stop me moving back, since my husband had been able to do this after our earlier 6 weeks’ separation.
After a couple of weeks this plan was not working. My husband was very secretive and always had his mother there. His mother became verbally abusive to me. I decided to move back. I was faced with blackmail from my husband - this was in regard to things from my past I had confided in him because I had trusted him; and there were things that could have destroyed family members whom I loved.
My husband and his mother called the police and said I was abusing them on the doorstep. This was untrue. The police turned up and turned me away, even though it was equally my house! Now I felt helpless and hopeless and had no help from the law. I tried three times in the space of 3 months to gain entry to my home, still to be faced with the same.
All confidence had been knocked out of me. After settling for contact for 18 months and having counselling for 6 months, I finally have courage and confidence to fight for residency.
Now I have applied for residency, my husband is saying I am mentally insane and is making me have supervised contact with my two youngest children until I have been assessed, even though I have brought up two grown up children successfully with no questions about my parenting.
This is how it has been for 2 years: obstacles and barriers continually put in the way of seeing my children, to make me do what he wants.
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