I had split from my ex partner in 1997 due to his behaviour towards me when I found out I was pregnant. I took the decision to tell him as I thought it was only fair. It was a shock to me as I had 3 older children and was not intending on increasing the size of my family, after my last child was born my ex husband had a vasectomy due to the problems I encountered during labour.
Once my ex partner found out I was pregnant he didn’t leave me alone or give me time to think. I did go to discuss my options with my GP, it is unlikely that I would have terminated the pregnancy as I have fairly strong feelings about this, however he constantly badgered me about my decision, including letting himself into my house in the early hours of the morning and sitting on the side of my bed watching me, until I became aware he was there before begging me to go through with the pregnancy.
I had my baby son in 1998 and Carl was ecstatic although he desperately wanted a little girl. He eventually moved back into my home in the September of that year, although our relationship was still volatile. He would use every opportunity he could to belittle me or undermine me in front of my older children.
Throughout the course of our relationship he didn’t work as he claimed to be disabled, he would instead come up with ‘business ideas’ that would end up costing us money that we could ill afford. I was working part time until 2003 when our son started school. Carl was never satisfied with anything that we had or did, he always wanted better, during the course of our relationship he owned 9 cars, 3 caravans and started numerous hobbies (including photography and fishing) which cost a fortune as he always had to have the best. As I was the only one working the majority of credit obtained was in my name only and I have been left with significant debts from the relationship.
I didn’t want to work full time as I wished to spend more time with my children but I felt forced into a corner. I have subsequently found out by chance that Carl has told our son that I wasn’t there for him as a baby as I was always working, this is totally untrue but it has been placed in his mind along with other things.
Friends and neighbours were told that I was moody and that I believed I was too good for them and I wondered why they treated me strangely at the time.
He would take my eldest son with him to take rubbish to the local skip etc and whilst they were alone he would try to blame me for the lack of money and the fact that I didn’t want to go out at weekends.He would make the children do chores around the house and then take the credit for it. We would go shopping and he would hide certain items of food etc away from the children as they were ‘his’
He sexually abused me by convincing me I was a prude and not normal and he raped me: This was one of my lowest points. He had pornographic material in the house just lying around. When I asked him to put it away from the children’s reach, he said it was normal for boys to grow up and see such things.
While I was working he would telephone me up to 6 times a day and also call into my place of work. If I was asked out by friends he would cause an argument as I was getting ready so that I would phone my friends, making an excuse not to go or I would be worried all the time I was out.
If any of us did something he didn’t like he would sulk for days and not speak to us, he was like a ticking time bomb.
Early on in the relationship he told me how he had grabbed his ex wife around the throat and held her against the wall during a row, an action he said he regretted. He also told me about beating someone up so severely they ended up in hospital. He held a shotgun licence and was in possession of a shotgun, he also had a fascination for knives and had a police baton.
Our relationship finally broke down in 2005 when he had an affair with a family friend. The split was extremely acrimonious; I took him back several times before deciding enough was enough. In the October of that year during an argument, my eldest son who was 18 at the time stood between us as he was worried for my safety, Carl grabbed him round the throat and pulled back his arm to punch him. My son managed to get out of the way and the police were called. They were anxious to press charges but we had had enough and couldn’t face going through with it, although with hindsight of course we should have.
During the course of the next 2 years he continued to pester me by phone and text. He also sent presents for Christmas, my birthday and Valentines Day; all the time begging me to take him back and telling our son that he still loved me and that I wouldn’t talk to him. He told us that he had no knowledge where the woman he had an affair was and that he was sorry, this was despite the fact that he was actually living with her and her 2 young children and he in fact got her pregnant.
I facilitated contact although I was extremely unhappy about my son being involved with his new partner as she had actively stated while they were having their affair that if the only reason he was staying was because of our son she would fight with him through the courts for residence. He would continually try to change arrangements or have excuses for being late picking up and dropping off.
In 2007 he refused to return our son from a weekend contact saying he was ill. An emergency application was made to the court and he was returned to me 3 days later. The result of this was that we had to attend dispute resolution interviews with Cafcass.
He constantly tried to change arrangements but if our son wanted to attend something he would make it very difficult to swap, necessitating several solicitor's letters to resolve issues. (He receives public funding. I have to pay and this adds to my costs.)
He then made another application for residency which meant yet more intervention from Cafcass. He spoke to them and arranged for our son to see them whilst in his care without my knowledge.
When I was called in I was told that our son (then age 9) had said he was scared of me and his eldest brother and that he wanted to live with his dad. I explained my circumstances to the Cafcass Officer. She then decided to do more follow up work. Until speaking to me she was just going to recommend that he go to live with Carl. After seeing us separately and with our son (her comment when he was with me was that he seemed far more relaxed than when he was with dad), she filed her report, her recommendations were that my son should live with me and have contact with Carl and that there should be no further applications made without the court’s leave until he was 16. We actually ended up with shared residence which works very badly.
I seem to be living my life almost through an interview mirror, My son discloses nothing from when he goes to his dad’s, yet Carl is extremely well informed about my life. However I am constantly accused of ‘grilling’ my son about their life, something I have never done as I’m not interested. It was also apparent that when going for extended contact during the holidays my son would get quite withdrawn before going and claim he had tummy aches etc but I was always advised I had to send him, I believe he was receiving so much emotional pressure from Carl in phone calls and during contact about how much he missed him and how he really couldn’t be happy unless he was with his dad that he dreaded going even though he did want to see his dad.
In 2009 Carl applied for residence yet again. At this time I was suffering from ill health. My son told me that he wanted to go and live with his father and nothing I could say would dissuade him. He wasn’t bothered about not seeing me regularly or his older siblings, or leaving his school and friends. All he was interested in was spending more time with his dad: He said he needed to. It wasn’t that he never saw his dad: He had contact alternate weekends from Thursday until Monday and half the holidays, with telephone calls in between.
I emailed my solicitor and told her that I had let my son go as I couldn’t face the court process or any more bullying. However I ended up deeply regretting my decision and realised I had done exactly what he wanted. Within a week he had changed my son's school without my knowledge or consent.
The first weekend I had contact with my son was horrendous. It was so clear he had been told even more negative things about me and I just couldn’t get through to him. To my deep regret I did lose my temper and say I didn’t think he wanted to be with me at all.
I have had periods of up to a month when I wasn’t allowed to see my son and contact visits have been cancelled. My son will not switch on his mobile phone when he is at his dad’s so I am unable to speak to him. It is my choice not to call him on their landline at a certain time each week as I believed this was incredibly controlling behaviour by my son's father and I have no wish to repeat that behaviour. Sharing residence of your child with your abuser is the worst of all worlds.
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Monday 1 November 2010
Tara's story:
Having a truly awful time at the moment. Basically I'm being dragged through courts after 5 years of his absence, and it's tearing me apart. He was very abusive and never wanted a child. He was obsessed with me but he never wanted anything to do with Luke.
Anyway he was violent and also very mentally abusive towards me during the time I knew him, but it all had a ring of obsessiveness about it.
I had fallen pregnant after just 3 weeks of knowing him - (I know that sounds bad, I was young and silly) so thought I'd better stay with him. He became abusive quite quickly, but not really properly physical until after I'd given birth - more threats and items thrown while I was pregnant, but then when I'd given birth it got really bad, he had no problem with hurting me whilst Luke was in my arms, it was as if he became possessed or something, it always was so unpredictable.
He had a knife on me on one occasion and locked me in the house for quite a long time on another.
There were lots of different things over the short time I was with him (about a year). I won't go into all the gory details, but you get the picture.
While I was pregnant my granddad died, but just before he passed he gave me an envelope containing £1,000 to start up a savings account for the baby, as his will wouldn't go through until his wife passed, and he knew he was going to die but wanted to do something for my baby. Anyway, I hid the envelope in one of my old photo albums, in a box, under the bed. I hid it really well as I didn't trust my partner because he was terrible with money - he never bought the baby a single thing either when I was pregnant or when he was born, not even a packet of nappies, and he used to take money out of my purse each morning (I hid most of my money but always left £5 as I knew he would hit the roof if there was nothing for him). Anyway, one day when Luke was about 2 months old I went to get the envelope to take it to the bank, and when I got there the envelope was empty. And that was the last straw, that was the day I properly left - from all the things and all the fear something hit me that day, like, you can hurt me but to steal from my baby and my dead granddad is too far.
Something properly clicked and I thought enough is enough if you're going to kill me then do so but I have got to get my child out of here. I packed up our things and went to my mum's.
After I had left, he didn't want to see Luke at all. I tried my best to do the right thing and arranged for my mum to take the baby to meet, but he never turned up, and instead whilst he knew I was home alone he would turn up on my mum's doorstep trying to break the door down, and occasionally just standing at the gate or across the road watching the house.
I phoned the police so many times over the next two months, he stalked me quite badly - two months in which I didn't leave the house, and eventually the police helped me get a new house and advised me to spread the word that I had moved out of the area.
For about the next two years I was frightened of venturing out on my own or with Luke, and still to this day there are certain places that I refuse to go. So so scary.
Anyway, as the police advised I spread word that I had moved (my sister lived in Manchester at the time, I told everybody I was going there and cut pretty much everybody out of my life and started again.)
That was pretty much the end of that. He stopped stalking my mum's house and we didn't hear anything again. Oh there was the odd midnight phone call which my parents received, but only about once a month and that died down.
Then about a year ago, somebody turned up on my mum's doorstep with a court order, demanding my parents go to court and tell them where I live.
So they had to do that, and then I got lots of court orders. About the same week as my first court order I had a fall and went to hospital - they kept me in for 3 weeks, and it turns out I have a shadow on my brain, which they are 90% sure is a brain tumour, but cannot go in and check as it's the centre of my brain.
So my doctors wrote to the courts and told them that I was not well enough to attend and they must put it off until I was in a better situation to be able to deal with it.
Anyway, I actually did go to court about 2 months ago, and I found it so stressful, I collapsed in the court room when he walked in, as I was just so frightened.
The court doesn't understand my fear of him and I am threatened with contempt of court and the possibility of prison if I don't give contact. I was willing to play the game and trust him if, and only if, he held his hands up to everything he's done and admitted it was wrong - because all anyone official says is ''people can change'', but he hasn't done that.
As he was stealing money from me when we were together and had very unpredictable moods, I had my suspicions that he was on drugs - which after I left him I was told he was heavily into. So the court ordered he take a drug test 3 MONTHS AGO, which I found out he hasn't taken.
I now have a really nice close family, a lovely home, and Luke has all the love he needs in my family and my close circle of friends whom I have picked carefully.
I can't handle any of it, I'm finding it really difficult. I worked so hard for Luke and myself, to pick up the pieces and find us a good life and move on, to make everything better, and to give my son the life, the love and the safety he so very much deserves.
Nobody seems to want to listen to me about all the bad things that happened then and the bad things I 100% believe will now happen in the future. I believe my son is still at risk.
But I have got stronger and stronger, I'm just so frustrated now - I am a strong woman. I wasn't while I was with him - I was after - but you know, we learn the hard way and women like us are possibly the strongest you will ever find, we have our moments when someone knocks us down but I'm sure we get up so much stronger than the general person ever could.
It's so scary when you see the news, so often you see children who have been murdered out of spite to the mother who has left the abusive man. I genuinely 10000% believe that he is only doing this to get at me. But people will never take that claim seriously.
Contact is meant to be starting soon and Luke doesn't want it. I couldn't make a few of the first court hearings because of this thing with my health. My ex is trying to use my medical condition against me although it hasn't affected Luke. If anything it makes his life better because I appreciate the small things so much more! I'm not ill all the time, in fact the ONLY thing that makes me ill is stress and anxiety, which is exactly what court and meeting my abuser is doing to me!
Anyway he was violent and also very mentally abusive towards me during the time I knew him, but it all had a ring of obsessiveness about it.
I had fallen pregnant after just 3 weeks of knowing him - (I know that sounds bad, I was young and silly) so thought I'd better stay with him. He became abusive quite quickly, but not really properly physical until after I'd given birth - more threats and items thrown while I was pregnant, but then when I'd given birth it got really bad, he had no problem with hurting me whilst Luke was in my arms, it was as if he became possessed or something, it always was so unpredictable.
He had a knife on me on one occasion and locked me in the house for quite a long time on another.
There were lots of different things over the short time I was with him (about a year). I won't go into all the gory details, but you get the picture.
While I was pregnant my granddad died, but just before he passed he gave me an envelope containing £1,000 to start up a savings account for the baby, as his will wouldn't go through until his wife passed, and he knew he was going to die but wanted to do something for my baby. Anyway, I hid the envelope in one of my old photo albums, in a box, under the bed. I hid it really well as I didn't trust my partner because he was terrible with money - he never bought the baby a single thing either when I was pregnant or when he was born, not even a packet of nappies, and he used to take money out of my purse each morning (I hid most of my money but always left £5 as I knew he would hit the roof if there was nothing for him). Anyway, one day when Luke was about 2 months old I went to get the envelope to take it to the bank, and when I got there the envelope was empty. And that was the last straw, that was the day I properly left - from all the things and all the fear something hit me that day, like, you can hurt me but to steal from my baby and my dead granddad is too far.
Something properly clicked and I thought enough is enough if you're going to kill me then do so but I have got to get my child out of here. I packed up our things and went to my mum's.
After I had left, he didn't want to see Luke at all. I tried my best to do the right thing and arranged for my mum to take the baby to meet, but he never turned up, and instead whilst he knew I was home alone he would turn up on my mum's doorstep trying to break the door down, and occasionally just standing at the gate or across the road watching the house.
I phoned the police so many times over the next two months, he stalked me quite badly - two months in which I didn't leave the house, and eventually the police helped me get a new house and advised me to spread the word that I had moved out of the area.
For about the next two years I was frightened of venturing out on my own or with Luke, and still to this day there are certain places that I refuse to go. So so scary.
Anyway, as the police advised I spread word that I had moved (my sister lived in Manchester at the time, I told everybody I was going there and cut pretty much everybody out of my life and started again.)
That was pretty much the end of that. He stopped stalking my mum's house and we didn't hear anything again. Oh there was the odd midnight phone call which my parents received, but only about once a month and that died down.
Then about a year ago, somebody turned up on my mum's doorstep with a court order, demanding my parents go to court and tell them where I live.
So they had to do that, and then I got lots of court orders. About the same week as my first court order I had a fall and went to hospital - they kept me in for 3 weeks, and it turns out I have a shadow on my brain, which they are 90% sure is a brain tumour, but cannot go in and check as it's the centre of my brain.
So my doctors wrote to the courts and told them that I was not well enough to attend and they must put it off until I was in a better situation to be able to deal with it.
Anyway, I actually did go to court about 2 months ago, and I found it so stressful, I collapsed in the court room when he walked in, as I was just so frightened.
The court doesn't understand my fear of him and I am threatened with contempt of court and the possibility of prison if I don't give contact. I was willing to play the game and trust him if, and only if, he held his hands up to everything he's done and admitted it was wrong - because all anyone official says is ''people can change'', but he hasn't done that.
As he was stealing money from me when we were together and had very unpredictable moods, I had my suspicions that he was on drugs - which after I left him I was told he was heavily into. So the court ordered he take a drug test 3 MONTHS AGO, which I found out he hasn't taken.
I now have a really nice close family, a lovely home, and Luke has all the love he needs in my family and my close circle of friends whom I have picked carefully.
I can't handle any of it, I'm finding it really difficult. I worked so hard for Luke and myself, to pick up the pieces and find us a good life and move on, to make everything better, and to give my son the life, the love and the safety he so very much deserves.
Nobody seems to want to listen to me about all the bad things that happened then and the bad things I 100% believe will now happen in the future. I believe my son is still at risk.
But I have got stronger and stronger, I'm just so frustrated now - I am a strong woman. I wasn't while I was with him - I was after - but you know, we learn the hard way and women like us are possibly the strongest you will ever find, we have our moments when someone knocks us down but I'm sure we get up so much stronger than the general person ever could.
It's so scary when you see the news, so often you see children who have been murdered out of spite to the mother who has left the abusive man. I genuinely 10000% believe that he is only doing this to get at me. But people will never take that claim seriously.
Contact is meant to be starting soon and Luke doesn't want it. I couldn't make a few of the first court hearings because of this thing with my health. My ex is trying to use my medical condition against me although it hasn't affected Luke. If anything it makes his life better because I appreciate the small things so much more! I'm not ill all the time, in fact the ONLY thing that makes me ill is stress and anxiety, which is exactly what court and meeting my abuser is doing to me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
